Bumper Stickers: a warning

If you want people you don’t know to understand what a total Muppet you are without the bother of talking to them what better way is there than putting a few bumper stickers on your car. The best part is, it doesn’t make any difference what the sticker says, because they all say the same thing: I am a cunt. Sometimes they say other things as well. Bush-Cheney: I am a super cunt. Jesus is love: please ram me off the road, because I am a cunt. There is only one thing worse, and that is, of course, the Jesus fish. In the event of an accident the driver of a car with a Jesus fish should automatically be held responsible, even of the other driver was drunk and getting a blow job from a hooker while speeding the wrong way down a one way street in a stolen car, ordering a pizza on his cell phone. After all, is not this driver merely the instrument of God’s will?

And the Darwin fish isn’t much better. The intent might be infinitely more sensible, but really, what’s the point? No matter what faction you align yourself with by virtue of your vehicular adornments there will always be plenty of other drivers around who don’t agree with you, so why advertise your difference? The security of the steel cocoon (probably aluminium actually) clearly emboldens many weasel faced motorists, otherwise there would be a lot more radical activists around. As it is, gutless shitsuckers cover their absurdly large cars with all sorts of crap (free Tibet, pro-life, pro-choice, pro-hockey, support nambla and so on) but as soon as they become pedestrians they keep very quiet.

As you may know, I presently live in southern California, and so I have observed some other cartards that may not be familiar to those outside the United States. I refer to really big or really small wheels. Some people find it necessary to install an entirely new suspension system on their giant trucks so that they can have a 15 foot tall pick up truck with 40 inch wheels. Why? Zeuss only knows. If the intent is to look like a total fucking assclown, then mission accomplished. Some people like to go the other way and put on very tiny wheels so that their piece of shit cars (which they usually are) are practically scrapping the ground. I imagine they must drive around with sticks so they can push themselves off if they get stuck on a speed bump. And the flames. My god, the flames! Adding stickers of faux flames is strangely popular despite the obvious absurdity. When coupled with an oversized rear spoiler phony wildfire makes it possible to make a Honda civic look like an even bigger joke than it does when it rollsof the production line.

All of these things are beyond my ken, and my Barbie. Why go out of your way to look like an arsehole? That’s like going to an upscale wedding in acid wash jeans: there’s just no reason for it. Here are a few I’ve seen recently.

My child was on the honour roll at shithead elementary So fucking what? What am I supposed to do, follow you home so I can meet this amazing kid? Throw some money at you so you can start a college fund and send the mother fucker to Harvard? And what does it take to get on the honour roll at shithead elementary? Show up without a gun? Fucking ridiculous.

Baby on board No mate, arsehole on board.

It’s a JEEP thing, you wouldn’t understand. No, I wouldn’t understand because I’m not a fucking dildo. It’s a dildo thing, I don’t want to understand.

Just give me my coffee and nobody gets hurt. Don’t count on it shithead. If you think this is in any way amusing there are probably a lot of people who frequently think about beating your face in, in a violent and prolonged manner.

If you can read this, your [sic] way too close! That’s one possibility. Another is that I have normal eyesight and I know how to read, and contract you are.

I support our troops Really? Using a gallon of fuel to get a pint of milk? Seems like you really support Halliburton, you phony fuck.

There is only one bumper sticker that is not evidence of wankosity: The sort you get when you or a relative works for the police. It gives ruffians pause for thought, and no doubt prevents tickets for all but the most egregious offences. That makes sense. Announcing to everyone you can that you’re a cunt; that really doesn’t make a lot of sense. Still, whoever said that cunts are sensible?