Religon and the Central mystery.

If you are a thoughtful type of person, the type of person who thinks NASCAR sucks arse and reading is fun, you have probably contemplated the great wonders and mysteries of existence. Moreover, you have probably asked yourself what I call the “central mystery”: not “why do chicks dig assholes?” but rather “why is there something instead of nothing?” This question, or some variant of it, has probably led to a lot of people turning to religion, and, sadly, a lesser number of people to turn to science. (Why think for yourself when you can have faith?)

It is perfectly true to say that science cannot answer this question. It may be unanswerable, or it may not even be a valid question to begin with. It is also true to say that as humans we have gone from sacrificing children to pacify the spirits and ensure a good harvest to having a pretty good description of how the entire universe grew from the very first instants after the big bang. In only 70 years we went from the first flying machines to the moon. The computer revolution has changed the world in a few decades, to the point that there was genuine fear that the YK2 glitch was going to be the end of the world. Doctors can take your heart out of your body and put in a new one, or they can poke around in your brain, all without killing you (most of the time). And in the face of all this most of the humans in the world choose to obey old men in silk dresses and an invisible sky bastard. Why?

The marvels of modern science and technology are impressive, but often they fail to address the real cause of many basic human needs. Questions that are very simple to ask but impossibly difficult to answer remain. What is consciousness? How did the universe come into existence? What is life? Why won’t Joan Rivers die? These questions, and many more, lead some to turn to religion. After all, who could better explain such things than a Jewish Zombie and his gay lovers, or a child molesting Arab merchant from the past? The problem is, all religions are a scam. They have nothing to offer that you can’t find in the average septic tank.

Priests or Imams or any of the other self styled truth merchants have no more actual knowledge about these central mysteries than anyone else, and yet they expect people to believe that only they know what the creator of all things wants from us. Does He want you to move a pedophile priest from parish to parish so he can continue his molestation for decades? Apparently he does, because the same people who tell us the word of God also told him to go to therapy and knock it off. Does He want you to murder innocent women and children because you don’t like what a foreign government is doing? Naturally, it stands to reason. Taking advice from these colossal hypocrites is like holding AA meetings in a bar. Brainwashing aside, the type of personality that can stand for this incredible lying must already be severely flawed. At what point do you stand back and say NO! You are wrong! If murder and child rape isn’t enough for you then you are truly one of the chosen ones. Chosen to suck shit that is.

Where do theological scholars enrich the totality of human knowledge? They might know everything there is to know about Aramaic, and the proper way to wipe shit off an ancient bible, but their knowledge of reality is useless to anyone who doesn’t buy their particular religion. Why hasn’t god told these clerics some powerful truth about nature or our existence that would enlighten us and bring us closer to his wonder? He has you say? Has he fuck. Every known religion is demonstrably based on some earlier one, and if you trace it all back far enough you will probably end up with some freakishly strong caveman making all the caveladies worship his cock. Not much has changed.

The church is concerned with our souls? In Boston maybe, but they are really concerned with our obedience and money. Why should an impoverished cab driver in MA give money he needs to feed his family to pay 0.05% of the cost of a new hat for the pope? And we all know where that mosque moolah is going. And what do these people do to earn these? They warn you that if you don’t obey you will be tortured and burned for all eternity. That’s the stick, where’s the carrot? There is no carrot. Your priest might be sticking one up a choir boy’s bum, but he’s got nothing for you. No truth, no knowledge, no insights, and no fucking clue about the central mysteries.

So what are they, really? Are they simply con merchants? Not quite, a lot of them actually believe their own bullshit, but they also know that their faith is crucial to accepting the religion as a truth instead of a possibility. They won’t admit that because they know how easy faith is to shake. And rightly so. It’s like a 2000 year old sit-com where the web of lies just keeps growing and growing until nobody can even remember who farted on the vicar, what time the boss is coming to dinner or if it is ok to masturbate on the bus. It’s a giant pyramid scheme, selling shit to the sheeple. Shit dressed up as truth still makes you gag if you can recognize it. <>
There is simply no possible to way to objectively discriminate between different religions. It’s like deciding which pimp to sell your 16 year old daughter too. Some shitgoblins try to claim that all religions are aspects of a single greater truth. Get real shitgoblins, they are just variations on a very common theme: how to manipulate weak minded fools and thereby consolidate power. And there is the added bonus of not having to worry about all those difficult questions. When “God did it” is the answer to everything the universe is easy to understand. God didn’t do poverty, rape, murder, famine or any of that other nasty stuff. That was the devil. Grr! You devil you! Will you never learn? But all the good stuff? Yeah, that was god, for sure. Let some ancient religious text show how to split the atom, or communicate via sub space, or how to combat disease or something that is actually useful to humanity. They tell you how to stone adulterers, or what sort of seed spillage is ok, or what to eat, but that’s just about it. It sure was nice of god to explain all this shit at the exact level of technology of those people with whom he was sharing his eternal instructions for life. What a super guy he must be.

Maybe there are some incredible things in the universe for us to learn about one day. Maybe they will to us, seem supernatural. Maybe there is some sort of higher plane of existence. We don’t know, and those hypocritical gold hoarding dress wearing polesmokers in the Vatican sure as fuck don’t either. And that goes for all the other religious “leaders”. Each and every single one of them is no better than Jim Jones of David Koresh, they just have a better support staff. Well, sell your shit elsewhere you lying phony’s. Humanity is growing up, and in a century or less (I hope) you will be as relevant as a sundial in a cave.

PROOF THAT JESUS RULES

Science? What the fuck is that?

Do you have faith in science? What the hell kind of stupid arse fool question is that, you might ask (with a shocking disregard for grammar, I should add). Well, do ya, punk? Do you understand how a computer works? Do you appreciate MOSFET based technology? You should, because it has helped wankers all over the world spill their seed on mom’s carpet. (Mom, like God, generally does not approve of such onanistic wanktivities, but that’s not the point.) The point is this, some religiots like to say that atheists simply worship science in the same way that theists worship god; That is, they take it on faith that the science is right only because they are told so by others who claim to speak the truth, and expect to be believed, while they themselves have no direct knowledge at all. This is true, in the same way that the statement “George W Bush is a fucking genius” is true. (If there are any dubya fans out there, that means it has minimal veracity.)

Nevertheless, the creationist nutjobs have an inkling of a point. Most people do take science on faith. When they read in a dozen books about cosmology that scientists think the universe is over a billion years old, they soon come to believe that themselves. Ask them. It’s a simple test. Just jump out from the oatmeal at Safeway and ask “dude, how old is the universe?”

You will probably get one of four answers:

1) 6000 years and not a day older!

2) Fuck off intellectual cunt. Why you always gots to be tinking, innit.

3) About 15 billion years, now bugger off, I need to buy some teriyaki sauce because it goes nicely with babies, which I eat all the time, even when I’m not hungry, coz that’s just how I do this shit. I eat babies. Did I tell you? Raargh!

4) Excuse me sir, would you mind emptying your pockets?

Well, people DO take the word of scientists, for the most part. Why is that? Maybe it’s because they are their own monitors. Peer review has many problems, which I would love to go into someday, but not today. What you can say about it is that it fucking works, for the most part. It might have some temporary fuck ups, but these are self correcting, and the reason why it works is a simple universal truth: people are fucking arseholes. If one guy publishes a result in your field, the first thing you do is check it. If you get the same answer you publish that and say how great the first guy is, but you too are now great. If you get a different answer you publish that and say what an assclown the first guy is, but you are awesome because you spotted this error. Then some other guy will realize that you fucked up, the first guy was right, and then you get a double ass pounding for your impertinence. However it turns out, science has a way of pounding out the truth.

This is the real scientific method. There is falsification, and then there is fistification, and it takes some time to recover from such a fisting. As a relatively young scientist I have learned that this is the way of the world. I would never lie about my data. The main reason for this is that I am extremely awesome and honest. Another reason is that I know that such lies are easily found out. If you publish interesting results, thousands of people will read them, and then try to duplicate them. You will be tested. Bullshitting is really foolish, even if you are an expert, and even then it won’t be beautiful (cf. the Henrik Schön scandal at Bell labs.).

So, there is some reason to trust scientists: they are (as far as we know) humans, and thus will fuck each other over at the first opportunity if it will help further their own myopic interests. That means that a scientific consensus is probably a good approximation to a scientific truth, string theory notwithstanding. Despite all this, there is a much more obvious reason to think that scientific “belief” holds more water than any kind of theology: Technology. Where is your mother fucking Jesus powered car? I’ll tell you where, it’s up your Jesus powered arse you stupid cunt. Everything in our modern lives is technology based. You can’t even wake up without enjoying the technological application of the photoelectric effect, et al.

Another matter worthy of consideration is this: do scientists care whose dick you suck? Of course they do, they want you to suck their dicks. But this rarely happens. Christians also seem to care about cock suckering, but it is usually a damage limitation based concern. Somehow the belief in god translates into a knowledge of what humans should and should not do. This would, like all religious concerns, be nothing more than a trivial joke were it not for the intrusiuons religiosity has on normal people. Was Jesus born to a virgin or a crafty skank? I don't give a fuck, but the violence between Christians of slightly differing viewpoints is not restricted to christ punchers; sometimes rational people are affected by it. Was muhammed a prophet from the one true god, or a child molesting murderer with serious halitosis? Again, I don't give a shit, but I surely will if I gets blowed up by some mother fucking A-rabs with a hankerin' for raisins. I don't know about you, but I really do not want to see Sheiks on a plane. It gets worse when you see christ punchers fucking up stem cell research and making abortions illegal. If these cunts had their way I would have to suffer the indignity of having 10 kids and parkinsons in my old age. Fuck that shit. And one can only assume that a solid expectation of the rapture is enough to justify treating the earth like a 5 dollar whore. Somehow, for some cumchuggers, the beauty that is science is overwhelmed by the rancid turdage of religon. What kind of mental hoops must one jump through to justify reducing access to condoms (and therefore increasing risk of HIV infection) just because a gay nazi sith lord says so?

So why believe in science over religion?

If you think this is a valid question you should eat your own colon so you can then re-digest the idiocy that you shat out of your brain, to make sure it wasn’t as banal as it seemed on the first parsing.

Often the terms "stupid cunt" and "Christian" or "Muslim" are used synonymously. I feel this is unfair to stupid cunts. Which are you?

ARE YOU A STUPID CUNT?

Well, are you? Sometimes the information is not available. I can help. If you are not sure if you are a stupid cunt or not, this simple test will settle the cuntological quotient question (the CQQ).

CUNTOLIGISTICS CORP.

ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS YES (1) OR NO (0).

(1) Are you a cunt?

(2) Does yo’ mama’s ass have its own zip code?

(3) Does Mr. T. pity you in any way?

(4) Are you sure you’re not a cunt?

(5) Do you do anal?

(6) Is it not incorrect that it was wrongly stated that someone falsely implied that another had said that you were in fact not a cunt?

(7) Was Princess Diana’s death awesome?

(8) Will Saddam Hussein’s death not be awesome?

(9) Was Jesus’ death transitory?

(10) Is G.W. Bush the best prez ever?

(11) Who would win in a fight between robocop, jesus, muhammed and Mumm-Ra out of the thundercats?

(12) If dadwanking is wrong, do you wanna be right?

(13) Is it ok to come in a womans mouth if you gave her a fake name?

(14) Does it make you sick that congress cancelled the superconducting super collider because it was going to cost 14 billion dollars when the "war" in Iraq is now costing 2 billion per week?

(15) Is it still gay to get a blow job from a sexy shemale if you only find out half way through?

(16) Do muslims eat shit for pleasure rather than religious reasons?

The answer key is available to those who are unable to determine if they are in fact a stupid cunt. Just send me an e mail with " I am not quite sure if I am a stupid cunt or not" as the subject and I will get right back to you.

(To save time, if you have to ask, you are almost cerainly a very stupid cunt).