A blog of infinite Choobism, and thence of incredible awesomeness.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Thanks for the reacharound.



Those of you who enjoy the Raving Atheist forum (not the insipid drivel posted by the former Raving Atheist but the forums where actual atheists can be found) might have noticed a good deal of pathetic crying lately. I refer specifically to a couple of cumchuggers called Empire and Bogacious B (the B stands for bitch, presumably). The surprising thing about these moronic rent boys is not the idiotic shite they were coming out with, but the fact that they are apparently atheists. Now, I’m not saying that assclownery and atheism are mutually exclusive. This is clearly not the case, but at the Raving Atheists forums the whining bitches are usually theists who come in and are then shocked to discover that we don’t serve their kind, and they’ll have to wait outside (or be prepared to learn how stupid their belief system is). In this case though the tards in question were attempting to argue that it is bad for atheists everywhere to be mean to theists; I can’t even count the number of ways in which their “arguments” were wrong. For one thing, these cunts fail to understand that atheists are a disparate group with nothing in common other than a non-belief in god. It is therefore impossible for the actions of any one atheist to reflect upon others unless they specifically endorse it. Furthermore, the concept of placating theists is repulsive. Do they go about their business and try to keep things friendly with people who don’t share their (moronic) beliefs? Do they bollocks. Well, some of them do, but as a whole religious organizations go out of their way to condemn others. Take the homosex for example. If they are not doing it (many of them are, but that’s another story) what the fuck does it have to do with them? And yet warriors for Jeebus will come out en masse to protest a civil union between homosexuals. What understanding people they must be to stick their arrogant stuck up noses in where it is not wanted and has no business at all. Intolerance of other religions and the godless is actually built into their big book of bullshit. The fundamental basis of faith is that the faithful are in possession of an absolute authority and truth, and being absolute there is absolutely no room for error or compromise whatsoever. That means that religious cunts cannot be reasoned with, and if their rules say that a certain group of people are evil or should be condemned, then that’s the end of it. And these are the people whom those crying pussies say I should be nice to in order for us to all get along. Forget it dickwads, it’s just not on the fucking cards. Not my card though, but gods cards. That’s like saying you should be grateful to the big biker dude who fucks you up the arse in jail because he gave you a reacharound. I think not. I have no wish to associate with those who are willing to ignore reason and embrace such an obvious lie that one wonders how they can even bring themselves to talk about Jeebus in public. The same crying pussies then go on to say that we can never expect theists to “de-convert” if all we do is tell them they are stupid assholes. So fucking what? I’m not in the de-conversion game. It’s not my business to change their minds and I would not expect them to listen to me any more than I would them. If you choose to be a fucking douchegoblin then that is your right Just don’t expect people to think it’s a good idea. It’s impossible to have a reasonable exchange of ideas with anyone who believes that there are any absolutes. Once someone is convinced that they are absolutely right about something they can then justify anything at all. Such people are dangerous. They are the ones who fly planes into buildings, blow up abortion clinics, murder homosexuals and paint swastikas on synagogues. Most religious people aren’t that extreme, but they do have the mistaken belief that they are in possession of an absolute truth, and that belief is the seed from which the vilest aspects of humanity can grow. So, crying pussies, excuse me if I choose not to encourage this sort of cretinism by dignifying it. I see it as the same as racism of homophobia once were. When it was socially acceptable to be a racist a lot of people were. And a lot of children learned to be that way too. Now that it is not socially acceptable racism is on the decline. When religious beliefs are openly mocked and revealed as the irrational, contradictory and fraudulent horseshit they so clearly are then perhaps we will finally emerge from the dark ages of the human race into a world where ancient goat herding zombies have no bearing on society. Fuck all theists, even the nice ones.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Smirking assholes





While sitting on the toilet this morning my thoughts turned to religion, as they often do when I am immersed in a cloud of toxic ass gas. For some reason I had a mental image of the pope in Turkey sitting on a tiny toilet shitting his guts out after a dodgy kebab, and laughing like the demented sithlord he is. Despite being an ex nazi, a well known cunt and possibly a goat rimmer, he is not a stupid man. Also, he must have access to a lot of secret documents in the Vatican secret stash (not to mention some of the finest porn known to humanity). Therefore, he simply has to know that the Catholic church is a massive scam. Why else is he constantly smirking? He’s like someone walking out of a casino with a ton of money after a rigged card game. He wants to burst out laughing, but he can’t because it might ruin the con. One of the only times he can let loose is on the the crapper (which back at his pad is probably made out of solid gold) so it is very likely that while he is emptying the bomb bays he is also laughing like a maniac. The guy who has to wipe his holiness’s arse must think he’s crazy.

Even less intelligent con merchants have been known to have the same kind of smirk. Just look at G W bush. The man would have to be on his best form to qualify as a moron. The fact that he is in charge of anything more powerful than the dildo he uses on his own ass is one of the strangest things ever to happen. The man is beyond stupid. He probably thinks Hemmingway’s “A Farewell to Arms” is the courageous story of a quadriplegic with a heart of gold. But he’s always grinning. Why? Because he got away with the biggest heist in the history of the world. Him and a few thousand of his friends managed to rob trillions of dollars from the US treasury. They may only have been able to collect a fraction of the money they looted, but a fraction of trillions is still a pretty good haul. Mission accomplished? Hell yes. Not the mission you were thinking about though. No wonder the chimp can’t stop smiling. One of the biggest morons ever was a part of an amazing sting. And he got to fuck some A-rabs in the process. The next time you see someone silently smirking to themselves remember, they are probably up to something. It might be worthwhile giving them a bit of a smack just in case they deserve it.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

choke on it Jeebus

This is a response to Stern; a splendid fellow from the Raving Atheist:


I am not sure I fully understand your question, but I will say this: appeals to an undefined "quantum vacuum foam" are weak. The actual structure of spacetime is not well understood; it may contain singularities, in which case, all bets are off. However, remember, that vacuum was created along with the spacetime (it IS the spacetime) so the energy was already there. Does the vacuum contain energy? You know it does biyatch.

There are similar postulates concerning vacuum energy that also have no evidence and mixed acceptance as far as their theoretical liklehood goes. I fear this happens a lot, as a result of string theory. I have recently come to consider string theory as a fat man clinging to the back of science as it tries to swim across an ocean of confusion. After > 30 years string theory still has nothing whatsoever to say about reality. How is that even science? Being hard to understand is not sufficient in my book. Otherwise we ought to be studying shaft theory, a course which could only be taught by his woman.

For the record, I originally wanted to be a string theorist. I was sucked into physics by the allure of theoretical cosmology, and I got very decent grades in my quantum and relativity classes, but as it turned out I was much better at experimental physics, and my mathematical skills fall short of string theory by an amount I can't even calculate. Indeed, theoretical physics of most types is probably not something I would be good at. I might be able to make a mediocre career at it, but it would be a bad choice for me to even try. I am much more suited to experimental physics, and I am doing rather well at that. In order to intelligently design an experiment one has to know enough theory to shape the way you will set up the experimental apparatus and collect and analyse the data. [That is very different from being able to create new theories.] However, it does mean that one has to understand those theories that have been put out there. After all, theorists have no fucking clue about experiments (most of the time) so in order for experiments to actually be done, those who do them have to know what it is they are trying to measure.

Now, as to the original point: you seem tro be saying that sucking energy out of the vacuum violates conservation of energy. This might be true, if the vacuum itself had no energy, but we know that it does. Can we get at it? That's a hard question, and I don't know the answer. However, I know we can get at it in bits, as in quantum fluctuatoins in energy (e.g., virtual particles). However, I will now admit, I have a long standing dilemma. As you may or may not know, I work with antimatter; I am still not quite sure I understand what the fuck it is. Part of my love of theoretical physics was instilled by the pure beauty of the Dirac equation. It's so fucking elegant I feel the need to bend it over a keg and assfuck it. This equation, if you don't know, is what you get if you put a relativistic Hamiltonian into a Schrodinger-like equation. However, Dirac knew that you have to make the spacelike and timelike terms be of the same order (they are not in the Schrodinger eqn), and he got an answer that predicted antimatter. This prediction came out of the fact that E = MC^2 is only half the story. In fact E^2 = M^2C^4 +c^2p^2. This has many implications.

(1) If m = 0: { E^2 = p^2c^2} [E = pc; massless particles have momentum]
(2) if m >0; {(p = 0; E^2=m^2c^4): E = +/- mc^2}
(3) if m <0; U. B. trippin.

What I am getting at is that in the Dirac eqn, the fact that the Hamiltonian has the Einstein energy term means that you get negative energy soultions for the antiparticles, so really antimatter has negative energy. This doesn't sit well with me. I have tried to understand what it really means but have never recieved a satisfactory explanation. The concept of negative energy is hard for me to understand. In fact I don't understand how the negative energy solutions to the Dirac eqn should be interpreted. Dirac traded negative probability (cf Kaluza) for negative energy, and it is a very beautiful theory, but I freely admit don't really understand the implications of it. It is intriguing though. The wave function you get has the form of exp(-Et) so a negative energy can be interpreted as a positive energy moving backwards in time (Feynman), but this is almost never taken seriously. Causality would shit blood if it were. I believe this is one more indication that the true nature of time is not currently understood, and I think that a quantum theory of gravity must explain this in order to succeed. I look forward to someone else figuring it all out and then explaining it to me in a way I can understand.

If you take Dirac at face value, antimatter has negative energy. The existance of negative energy particles can easily fuck with conservation laws that assume only positive energy. It's some funky shit for sure, but it farts in the face of jeebus, and that can only be a good thing.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Respeck


Some people have suggested that in order for atheists and theists to get along there should be a measure of respect, and that meaningful debate should occur that is devoid of vulgarity and personal attacks. I say fuck that retarded bullshit. If someone says to me that they believe that the earth is under attack from shapeshifting lizard creatures that have infiltrated the highest levels of government and are hell bent on establishing a new world order and enslaving humanity I will tell them to shut the fuck up and finish bagging my groceries. I most certainly won’t respectfully agree to disagree or think deeply about what they have said and see if there is any common ground between what we both believe. If I did do any of these things you would, quite rightly, think I was a fucking imbecile. But instead of alien lizard shapeshifters we have cosmic Jewish zombies. We have proven hypocrites who recommend eating flesh and drinking blood, and tell you that you will burn in a fiery pit of hell for all eternity if you don’t do what they say. And I’m supposed to respect this point of view? Don’t make me fucking laugh.

The only thing this (and other similarly idiotic fairy tales) has got going for it is that there are a lot of assholes who believe it. That is it. No objective reasoning can possibly render these ideas palatable to someone who has not been brainfucked. No study of the available evidence can ever lead one even to have any doubts that this is not all demented man made fiction of the most fecal variety. Indeed, it takes a slow process of cuntification before one can accept these ideas at all. And I should respect this because there are a shit load of cunts? Not bloody likely.

And it gets worse. A central tenet of this malodorous dung residue (in all of its incarnations) is that if you are not on board you can expect the most unpleasant punishment imaginable. A poor choice of lunch can send you to hell if you forget to repent. Acting in a manner that is central to your existence, and that as a biological imperative is by definition caused by your creator, can send you to pitchfork alley in no time. What kind of cunt of a god would punish humans for eternity just for doing what he created them to need to do? This is the point of view I should respect? Dream on shitgoblins.

It is built into religions that atheists are the scum of the earth. Arabs and Christians and Jews will happily kill each other over who has the best god, but when confronted with the evil of atheist homosexuals they will set aside their differences. That is one of the most fucked up things I can think of. People who will kill children because of their religious views will work with people that hold those same views to prevent a couple of dudes from doing anal. If that isn’t retarded I don’t know what is. Respect? Contempt is too good for this kind of jism faced goat felcher. Why should I respect the blatantly absurd beliefs of someone who tells me that I am evil, that I will burn in hell and that only their point of view can save me? Fuck them all deep in their godholes.

Religious cunts are afforded far too much respect in general. They should be held to the same high standards as courts of law, scientists and journalists. If a journalist wrote a story about how great god is and cited a vision as his source would it get published? Sadly, it might, but it would be clear to all that it was utter wank. You don’t see particle physicists postulating a Christron that goes around making al the other particles behave. That would be asinine indeed. And why can’t a religious judge just pray to god to determine if someone is guilty or not? Because it would be fucking retarded, that’s why. And yet these Christ punching sleaze merchants can enjoy tax free status, can freely spout their mumbo jumbo and demand that those of us not afflicted with TCS (total cunt syndrome) treat them with respect! Well, I always treat theists with the respect they deserve. We may not always agree on how much respect that is (none), but I don’t care. Dialogue with theists is like foreplay with a rapist, and I don’t care for it at all. Fuck them; fuck them all.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Pastor Ted Haggard: HOMO











There can be no doubt that the revelation that Haggard is a gay drug fiend is quite hilarious. Indeed, making fun of this guy is just too easy, and one can hardly do a better job than has already, inadvertently, been done by those trying to minimize the impact of this incredible gift from fate. However, even as a vehement anti-gay mega church bullshitter Haggard and his ilk are really not very important. Their hateful diatribe regarding homosexuality, and morality in general, is simply the public face of a very common viewpoint. One might be tempted to think that, as the pastor of a large flock of sheeple, wankers like Haggard are particularly dangerous. However, this is not really true. They are nothing compared to loathsome pundits like Limbaugh or O’reilly. It is true that a lot of people are probably made more homophobic by the asinine drivel that is preached in the mega churches, but the same buy-bull-shit can be heard in thousands upon thousands of other smaller indoctrination centers around the country. Phelps, with his nonsensical “god hates fags” comedy routine would seem to be a direct threat to the liberties of homosexuals, but in reality he is just a sad old man with no real influence at all. Those people who stand with him would stand with anyone who told them what to do. They are typical sheeple; fools of no consequence. All of these shitgoblins are worthy of contempt, but at some level one has to feel sorry for them. How twisted must they be to rant on and on about things that don't affect them at all? In the case of Haggard, what internal hatred he must feel, to spend so much energy assailing that which he knows he is. In the words of a very wise man, I pity the fool.

A lot of normal people (atheists) sometimes say that they sort of understand the appeal of religion. The comfort it brings may be based on illusion but it can seem real just the same, and this tiny concession to the irrationality of believing in made up sky bastards helps us to understand the insanity of true believers. What then of the true believer who is denied any such comfort because his true nature as a human being is in direct conflict with the tenuous precepts of his duplicitous belief system? This way leads to mental torment of a particularly nasty variety: the self inflicted kind. Despite what the Christ punching religiots think, atheists are not automatically amused by the suffering of theists. In this particular case it is hard not to laugh. The intrinsic hypocrisy of religion in general has been beautifully revealed, as has the old adage that implies that the most vehement homophobes are probably as bent as a nine bob note themselves. Haggard has done us all a service by showcasing these truisms, but on a personal level his anguish brings me no pleasure. Ironically, some of his sheeple might even start to think that homosexuality is not wrong, if his brainwashing is powerful enough for them to still accept him. Either way, he must be frightfully ashamed, and probably even a hit of crystal meth and good asspounding will not be able to cheer him up.

Thus, I say to my fellow atheists that this hilarious event is an opportunity to demonstrate that we are not malicious lovers of schadenfreude. That being Godless does not mean we are uncharitable, and that even a loathsome bigot like Haggard can elicit sympathy on a personal level. Being without god does not in any way make us less kindly. On the contrary, since we must determine our own moral stance rather than have one arbitrarily handed to us, we own our actions in totality. We must take the blame for our transgressions, and similarly our more noble deeds must be acknowledged. This is one of the many ways that intellectual freedom, the ability and desire to think for oneself, and freedom from irrational dogmas make atheism the one true attitude.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Religon and the Central mystery.



If you are a thoughtful type of person, the type of person who thinks NASCAR sucks arse and reading is fun, you have probably contemplated the great wonders and mysteries of existence. Moreover, you have probably asked yourself what I call the “central mystery”: not “why do chicks dig assholes?” but rather “why is there something instead of nothing?” This question, or some variant of it, has probably led to a lot of people turning to religion, and, sadly, a lesser number of people to turn to science. (Why think for yourself when you can have faith?)


It is perfectly true to say that science cannot answer this question. It may be unanswerable, or it may not even be a valid question to begin with. It is also true to say that as humans we have gone from sacrificing children to pacify the spirits and ensure a good harvest to having a pretty good description of how the entire universe grew from the very first instants after the big bang. In only 70 years we went from the first flying machines to the moon. The computer revolution has changed the world in a few decades, to the point that there was genuine fear that the YK2 glitch was going to be the end of the world. Doctors can take your heart out of your body and put in a new one, or they can poke around in your brain, all without killing you (most of the time). And in the face of all this most of the humans in the world choose to obey old men in silk dresses and an invisible sky bastard. Why?

The marvels of modern science and technology are impressive, but often they fail to address the real cause of many basic human needs. Questions that are very simple to ask but impossibly difficult to answer remain. What is consciousness? How did the universe come into existence? What is life? Why won’t Joan Rivers die? These questions, and many more, lead some to turn to religion. After all, who could better explain such things than a Jewish Zombie and his gay lovers, or a child molesting Arab merchant from the past? The problem is, all religions are a scam. They have nothing to offer that you can’t find in the average septic tank.

Priests or Imams or any of the other self styled truth merchants have no more actual knowledge about these central mysteries than anyone else, and yet they expect people to believe that only they know what the creator of all things wants from us. Does He want you to move a pedophile priest from parish to parish so he can continue his molestation for decades? Apparently he does, because the same people who tell us the word of God also told him to go to therapy and knock it off. Does He want you to murder innocent women and children because you don’t like what a foreign government is doing? Naturally, it stands to reason. Taking advice from these colossal hypocrites is like holding AA meetings in a bar. Brainwashing aside, the type of personality that can stand for this incredible lying must already be severely flawed. At what point do you stand back and say NO! You are wrong! If murder and child rape isn’t enough for you then you are truly one of the chosen ones. Chosen to suck shit that is.

Where do theological scholars enrich the totality of human knowledge? They might know everything there is to know about Aramaic, and the proper way to wipe shit off an ancient bible, but their knowledge of reality is useless to anyone who doesn’t buy their particular religion. Why hasn’t god told these clerics some powerful truth about nature or our existence that would enlighten us and bring us closer to his wonder? He has you say? Has he fuck. Every known religion is demonstrably based on some earlier one, and if you trace it all back far enough you will probably end up with some freakishly strong caveman making all the caveladies worship his cock. Not much has changed.

The church is concerned with our souls? In Boston maybe, but they are really concerned with our obedience and money. Why should an impoverished cab driver in MA give money he needs to feed his family to pay 0.05% of the cost of a new hat for the pope? And we all know where that mosque moolah is going. And what do these people do to earn these? They warn you that if you don’t obey you will be tortured and burned for all eternity. That’s the stick, where’s the carrot? There is no carrot. Your priest might be sticking one up a choir boy’s bum, but he’s got nothing for you. No truth, no knowledge, no insights, and no fucking clue about the central mysteries.

So what are they, really? Are they simply con merchants? Not quite, a lot of them actually believe their own bullshit, but they also know that their faith is crucial to accepting the religion as a truth instead of a possibility. They won’t admit that because they know how easy faith is to shake. And rightly so. It’s like a 2000 year old sit-com where the web of lies just keeps growing and growing until nobody can even remember who farted on the vicar, what time the boss is coming to dinner or if it is ok to masturbate on the bus. It’s a giant pyramid scheme, selling shit to the sheeple. Shit dressed up as truth still makes you gag if you can recognize it. <>
There is simply no possible to way to objectively discriminate between different religions. It’s like deciding which pimp to sell your 16 year old daughter too. Some shitgoblins try to claim that all religions are aspects of a single greater truth. Get real shitgoblins, they are just variations on a very common theme: how to manipulate weak minded fools and thereby consolidate power. And there is the added bonus of not having to worry about all those difficult questions. When “God did it” is the answer to everything the universe is easy to understand. God didn’t do poverty, rape, murder, famine or any of that other nasty stuff. That was the devil. Grr! You devil you! Will you never learn? But all the good stuff? Yeah, that was god, for sure. Let some ancient religious text show how to split the atom, or communicate via sub space, or how to combat disease or something that is actually useful to humanity. They tell you how to stone adulterers, or what sort of seed spillage is ok, or what to eat, but that’s just about it. It sure was nice of god to explain all this shit at the exact level of technology of those people with whom he was sharing his eternal instructions for life. What a super guy he must be.

Maybe there are some incredible things in the universe for us to learn about one day. Maybe they will to us, seem supernatural. Maybe there is some sort of higher plane of existence. We don’t know, and those hypocritical gold hoarding dress wearing polesmokers in the Vatican sure as fuck don’t either. And that goes for all the other religious “leaders”. Each and every single one of them is no better than Jim Jones of David Koresh, they just have a better support staff. Well, sell your shit elsewhere you lying phony’s. Humanity is growing up, and in a century or less (I hope) you will be as relevant as a sundial in a cave.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Thursday, October 05, 2006

Science? What the fuck is that?


Do you have faith in science? What the hell kind of stupid arse fool question is that, you might ask (with a shocking disregard for grammar, I should add). Well, do ya, punk? Do you understand how a computer works? Do you appreciate MOSFET based technology? You should, because it has helped wankers all over the world spill their seed on mom’s carpet. (Mom, like God, generally does not approve of such onanistic wanktivities, but that’s not the point.) The point is this, some religiots like to say that atheists simply worship science in the same way that theists worship god; That is, they take it on faith that the science is right only because they are told so by others who claim to speak the truth, and expect to be believed, while they themselves have no direct knowledge at all. This is true, in the same way that the statement “George W Bush is a fucking genius” is true. (If there are any dubya fans out there, that means it has minimal veracity.)

Nevertheless, the creationist nutjobs have an inkling of a point. Most people do take science on faith. When they read in a dozen books about cosmology that scientists think the universe is over a billion years old, they soon come to believe that themselves. Ask them. It’s a simple test. Just jump out from the oatmeal at Safeway and ask “dude, how old is the universe?”

You will probably get one of four answers:

1) 6000 years and not a day older!

2) Fuck off intellectual cunt. Why you always gots to be tinking, innit.

3) About 15 billion years, now bugger off, I need to buy some teriyaki sauce because it goes nicely with babies, which I eat all the time, even when I’m not hungry, coz that’s just how I do this shit. I eat babies. Did I tell you? Raargh!

4) Excuse me sir, would you mind emptying your pockets?

Well, people DO take the word of scientists, for the most part. Why is that? Maybe it’s because they are their own monitors. Peer review has many problems, which I would love to go into someday, but not today. What you can say about it is that it fucking works, for the most part. It might have some temporary fuck ups, but these are self correcting, and the reason why it works is a simple universal truth: people are fucking arseholes. If one guy publishes a result in your field, the first thing you do is check it. If you get the same answer you publish that and say how great the first guy is, but you too are now great. If you get a different answer you publish that and say what an assclown the first guy is, but you are awesome because you spotted this error. Then some other guy will realize that you fucked up, the first guy was right, and then you get a double ass pounding for your impertinence. However it turns out, science has a way of pounding out the truth.

This is the real scientific method. There is falsification, and then there is fistification, and it takes some time to recover from such a fisting. As a relatively young scientist I have learned that this is the way of the world. I would never lie about my data. The main reason for this is that I am extremely awesome and honest. Another reason is that I know that such lies are easily found out. If you publish interesting results, thousands of people will read them, and then try to duplicate them. You will be tested. Bullshitting is really foolish, even if you are an expert, and even then it won’t be beautiful (cf. the Henrik Schön scandal at Bell labs.).

So, there is some reason to trust scientists: they are (as far as we know) humans, and thus will fuck each other over at the first opportunity if it will help further their own myopic interests. That means that a scientific consensus is probably a good approximation to a scientific truth, string theory notwithstanding. Despite all this, there is a much more obvious reason to think that scientific “belief” holds more water than any kind of theology: Technology. Where is your mother fucking Jesus powered car? I’ll tell you where, it’s up your Jesus powered arse you stupid cunt. Everything in our modern lives is technology based. You can’t even wake up without enjoying the technological application of the photoelectric effect, et al.

Another matter worthy of consideration is this: do scientists care whose dick you suck? Of course they do, they want you to suck their dicks. But this rarely happens. Christians also seem to care about cock suckering, but it is usually a damage limitation based concern. Somehow the belief in god translates into a knowledge of what humans should and should not do. This would, like all religious concerns, be nothing more than a trivial joke were it not for the intrusiuons religiosity has on normal people. Was Jesus born to a virgin or a crafty skank? I don't give a fuck, but the violence between Christians of slightly differing viewpoints is not restricted to christ punchers; sometimes rational people are affected by it. Was muhammed a prophet from the one true god, or a child molesting murderer with serious halitosis? Again, I don't give a shit, but I surely will if I gets blowed up by some mother fucking A-rabs with a hankerin' for raisins. I don't know about you, but I really do not want to see Sheiks on a plane. It gets worse when you see christ punchers fucking up stem cell research and making abortions illegal. If these cunts had their way I would have to suffer the indignity of having 10 kids and parkinsons in my old age. Fuck that shit. And one can only assume that a solid expectation of the rapture is enough to justify treating the earth like a 5 dollar whore. Somehow, for some cumchuggers, the beauty that is science is overwhelmed by the rancid turdage of religon. What kind of mental hoops must one jump through to justify reducing access to condoms (and therefore increasing risk of HIV infection) just because a gay nazi sith lord says so?

So why believe in science over religion?

If you think this is a valid question you should eat your own colon so you can then re-digest the idiocy that you shat out of your brain, to make sure it wasn’t as banal as it seemed on the first parsing.

Often the terms "stupid cunt" and "Christian" or "Muslim" are used synonymously. I feel this is unfair to stupid cunts. Which are you?

ARE YOU A STUPID CUNT?

Well, are you? Sometimes the information is not available. I can help. If you are not sure if you are a stupid cunt or not, this simple test will settle the cuntological quotient question (the CQQ).

CUNTOLIGISTICS CORP.

ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS YES (1) OR NO (0).

(1) Are you a cunt?

(2) Does yo’ mama’s ass have its own zip code?

(3) Does Mr. T. pity you in any way?

(4) Are you sure you’re not a cunt?

(5) Do you do anal?

(6) Is it not incorrect that it was wrongly stated that someone falsely implied that another had said that you were in fact not a cunt?

(7) Was Princess Diana’s death awesome?

(8) Will Saddam Hussein’s death not be awesome?

(9) Was Jesus’ death transitory?

(10) Is G.W. Bush the best prez ever?

(11) Who would win in a fight between robocop, jesus, muhammed and Mumm-Ra out of the thundercats?

(12) If dadwanking is wrong, do you wanna be right?

(13) Is it ok to come in a womans mouth if you gave her a fake name?

(14) Does it make you sick that congress cancelled the superconducting super collider because it was going to cost 14 billion dollars when the "war" in Iraq is now costing 2 billion per week?

(15) Is it still gay to get a blow job from a sexy shemale if you only find out half way through?

(16) Do muslims eat shit for pleasure rather than religious reasons?


The answer key is available to those who are unable to determine if they are in fact a stupid cunt. Just send me an e mail with " I am not quite sure if I am a stupid cunt or not" as the subject and I will get right back to you.


(To save time, if you have to ask, you are almost cerainly a very stupid cunt).

Friday, September 22, 2006

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Who is the biggest cunt?





While taking a shit today I found myself wondering, "who is the biggest cunt out of Mother Theresa and Ann Coulter. They are both well known as self righteous whores. Ann (or Andy as heshe likes to be called in private) is obviously an idiot, but that does not mitigate his/her cunt quotient. Similarly, Mother Fucker Theresa is a hypocritical colon fister and pony felcher. She even faked her own death so she could enjoy becoming a saint (as this recent undoctored photo of her on holiday clearly proves).

It is well known that this smug cunt was a total bitch, and she was caught more than a dozen times performing fellatio on so-called untouchables in exchange for soup. There is also hard evidence that while she collected a great deal of money for "charity" almost none of it was used to help people in dire poverety. She is known to have had a toilet made of solid gold, and to have used live Minks instead of toilet paper. Rumours have it that she ate homeless people and sacrificed virgins in order to retain her lithe figure. By practically any standards this certainly qualifies her as a right fucking cunt.

Andy is indeed a formidable opponent when it comes to a contest of cuntosity. As a borderline retard he/she has made a living writing books about things that normal people would be ashamed to even think about.. In some cases he/she will simply copy from others. It is evidence of retardation that he/she expected to get away with this.

So, Who is the biggest cunt? I cannot say. Let history decide. Or better yet, let the decider decide for he is very well qualified when it comes to judging cunts.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Amazing sign from god AND allah!


Whilst taking a shit this morning I was given a sign from God. Had this been the end of it I would be on my way to church right now to praise the lord and find out when I can start assfucking young choir boys. However, it seems that Allah (poo be upon him) is aware of my awesomness and didn't want to lose me to the Christ punchers, so he also sent me a sign. Now I don't know whom to praise.
One thing is for sure though. These signs are genuine miracles, and I most certainly did not draw them on toilet paper and then put them on top of a shit I had just done. That did not happen. The shit came off my arse and onto the shit rag in these amazing pictoral messages from god, and that's that. (Anyone who does not believe this will burn in hell.) It is a bit odd that Jesus decided to send me a sign insulting muhammed, and vice versa, but I suppose those guys are practically obliged to work in mysterious ways.

Well, I have to tell God and Allah to go and fuck themselves (which presumably they are able to do). If there was only one game in town I'd have to suck it up and join in, but with all these dieties hanging around I see no reason to pick one. They are all cockmunchers anyway, so instead of being into jizzlam or zombie worship it seems much better to sit back and watch them fight each other. Indeed, I should like to see religiots competing in some sort of fight to the death so they can finally establish which diety is the bestest of all. Maybe then I'll get on board with the winner, but why risk angering Jeebus by getting a reacharound from mohammed (or moohamhead or whatever his fucking name is)? So all you almighty bastards can stick your signs and portents right up your godholes. If you want me to join your retarded religon send me cash mother fuckers. And instead of sending messages via shit, or piss stained walls or grilled cheese sandwiches, why not use a nice big pair of jugs?

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Cocksucker Christianity

Chooblog is honoured to have a contribution from Cap'n Awesome, who is well known over at RA. If you don't know who the cap'n is, go fuck yourself you ignorant cumchugger.



There are two basic types of Christians. Sure, there are ten million different sects, from Catholics to Mormons to Christian ‘Scientists’ and Ethiopian Orthodox. But when you boil it all down, there are only two types. The first type is the fundamentalist, they read their bible and believe every bit of it to be truth. No, it’s not a conglomeration of myths, fables and legends collected by barely literate goat-fucking tribesmen over a time span of thousands of years, it is the word of God! We are all familiar with this type, they have Sunday morning TV shows, Dinosaur theme parks and double-wide trailers.

The other type of Christian is equal in number and generally not as loud. This does absolutely nothing to dampen their idiocy. They are the ones who don’t take the bible literally, but for some reason still believe Jesus and god. However instead of the Jesus and God of the bible, they believe in basically whatever they made up themselves. We have several names for these people, the most common is “Liberal Christian” but some other well know ones are “Christian Apologists” “Whiney Christians” and “Limp-wristed, touchy-feely, crybaby Christians” but my favorite way to refer to them is “Cocksucker Christians”

This label is accurate for a couple of reasons. One: It’s a well know scientific fact that all of them (male and female) love a big hunk of man-meat in the mouth from time to time. Two: They like to figuratively suck cock also, specifically the cock of anything that is ‘spiritual’ and doesn’t involve a lot of effort or thought. They all love Buddhism, just mentioning the word Buddhism will get their panties wet (as the men wear panties also) but when you ask them to name the basic tenants of Buddhism they’ll stutter for a second then go “Uhhhh, peace”

Cocksucker Christians all share a few basic characteristics. Number one: They think their views are unique. Now to a certain degree they are right, because everything they believe is just made up in their own heads. You often hear them say phrases like “God, to me, is just pure love” Well thank you dipshit, do you have anything to back up that statement? They go out of the way to add the ‘to me’ because they want you to know how tolerant and accepting they are of your point of view, with that faint glimmer of hope in their eye that you are going to accept theirs back. It reminds me of the retarded kid who wanted to play soccer with the rest of us, and we pretended that we let him, then beaned him in the head with the ball and started kicking him. You’d feel sorry for them, if they weren’t such drooling retards.

The second characteristic is that they are very very very tolerant and go out of the way every moment to let you know how tolerant they are. All beliefs are equal in their minds. They like to ignore a fundamental aspect of reality, somebody is right. (Hint: it’s the Atheists) There either is a god or there isn’t. (Hint: There isn’t) That right there disqualifies the idea that all beliefs are equally valid. Whenever you point this out, they love to drop the one weapon in their arsenal (Aside from cocksucking) and that is the “open minded” card. “You are just not open minded” To which I like to ask them why they aren’t open minded to the idea of killing yourself for Allah. Because they know that it is a stupid belief! If they weren’t busy getting kicked for being a retard or slobbering down a nice chunk of Buddhist cock, they would realize their beliefs are all stupid too.

Cap’n Awesome ( YourReligionSucks.blogspot.com )



Wednesday, August 23, 2006

What is Jeebus thinking?


Caption contest. The winning caption will recieve fuck all, so it's not much of a contest I admit, but it's still better than blowing yourself up for 72 raisins.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Miracles of the Buy Bull

For Christian parents it is a moment to be treasured, a milestone in the miraculous journey to create another child of Christ. Teaching the wonders of the bible, the word of God no less, to an innocent is one of the truly rewarding aspects of religiosity. That and not burning in hell for all eternity. Imagine that look on his or her little face when you read to him (or her) amazing bible stories for the very first time; a memory to treasure for sure. Now imagine the look on that old wrinkled Christian face when the child looks up and says “Mom, dad, are you taking the fucking piss or what?” That’s priceless.

If you are not a full on Christ Puncher you will probably know that the Bible is a relatively popular work of fiction that relies heavily on the principle of “suspension of disbelief”. This is a vehicle often used in fictional works, be they plays, novels, movies or what have you, in which the audience is required to accept a number of obviously unrealistic premises in order to allow the rest of the narrative to flow. An example of this is the terminator. One has to tacitly accept the fact that a cyborg has traveled back in time to kill a woman before one can enjoy the ensuing violence. Another example is, perhaps, a porno in which several super hot babes appear eager to get pounded by Ron Jeremy. You have to accept this before you can start jerking off. This latter, I have to say, is not always possible due to Ron’s overly hirsute back and grotesquely voluminous blubber.

Thus it is that when reading the bible it is assumed that you will accept blatant absurdity with aplomb, and then just go along for the ride. Provided you understand that it is fictional (or at the very least has severely over-extended its poetic license) this is perfectly acceptable. Problems arise if you believe that the bible is somehow true or, even worse, the one and only troof. By far the worst case is when young children are force fed this fiction as though it were absolutely real. It is for this reason, and also because of my enormous compassion for humanity, that I have chosen to reveal the obvious explanations for a number of biblical “miracles”. To many what I shall say will seem obvious, but for the benefit of those who might be under indoctrination I shall reiterate these simple points. In many cases historical ambiguity may be most easily clarified by an application of Occam’s razor. In the case of the buy-bull the razor is not up to the job and it is necessary to break out Occam’s motherfucking chainsaw. Naturally, I cannot even consider most of the biblical foolishness, by virtue of its sheer volume. I can address some of the more well known balderdash, and I do so thusly.

THE VIRGIN BIRTH:
Is it even necessary to suggest that perhaps a skank ho (a.k.a. the virgin mary) might have lied about taking some illicit schlong? The alternative idea (that is, virgin birth, or God rape) is idiotic in the extreme. If almighty God wanted a bastard son why didn’t the ultimate assmonkey just send Jeebus down fully formed, and a bit less wanky? His business, I suppose, but still, it does seem to advance my position that God is either nonexistent, or is a fucking retard.

FEEDING THE 5000 PIKEYS:
Maybe Jeebus whipped up some magic food, or maybe he just sent round a piece of manky bread, perhaps dripping with his spooge (the loaf and the fish). Nobody wants to eat that shit, so they kept passing in on, and hence the falsehood grew that it fed thousands, and there was even some left over.

TURNING WATER INTO WINE:
Big fucking deal. I can turn wine into piss, and I can do it at an astounding rate. I’m not saying that this makes me an anti Jeebus. I would never say that, because it makes no sense. Here’s a thought, maybe it was wine all the time. Or maybe there wasn’t any wine at all.

WALKING ON WATER:
Perhaps it was a bit icy that day? Ok, not too likely in the middle east, but then, neither is defying the laws of physics. How deep was this water? Did Jeebus have some big arse platforms?

HEALING THE BLIND:
I’m blind. Wait, now I can see! It’s amazing: amazing like taking a shit, which is to say not very. Growing a new arm, now that is a serious bit of healing, but some blind cock sucker claiming he can see is more than a bit dubious. If Jeebus was able to grow stuff perhaps he should have considered growing some balls.

EXPELLING DEMONS:
Mental illness anyone? Naturally they didn’t know much about how the brain works in those days (and we still don’t really) but you don’t need a CT scan to recognize a fucking nutjob when he whips out his dick and jazzes up on your sandals. A smack in the chops might well bring such a loon to his senses, temporarily.


THE RESSURECTION:
Again, why? Maybe Jeebus died on the cross and then rose from the dead, or just maybe he didn’t die at all. Why is it that when he was given a drink it apparently caused him to die? That’s some powerful fucking vinegar. Or maybe it was a sedative. Both Luke and Mark say that Jeebus was taken to a nearby tomb: a great place to revive a drugged bullshitter. Of course, the whole thing could simply be more made up crap, but even on the face of the text itself it don’t make no sense. My magic balls say “all signs point to bullshit.”

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Mommy, how are Christians made?


What does it take to turn an ordinary human being into a Christian? If you ask the Christ-punchers themselves they will of course tell you that the Lord came upon them bukkake style and filled their hearts with the Christlove. However, this is clearly inaccurate.

The vast majority of Christ-punching religiots were brainwashed by their parents and various priestly accomplices when they were children. This is a particularly heinous form of child abuse, especially when performed in conjunction with anal rape, as is so often the case in the catholic church of bum banditry. It’s difficult for some to break free of this early conditioning, and whatever one might think of the shit sucking dad wankers who worship Jesus, it has to be said that they have got their brainwashing skills perfected. They have had centuries to practice, of course, and some of their preferred methods (such as burning people, or simply torturing them) are no longer as efficacious.

In less fortunate parts of the world good old fashioned blackmail is still very popular in indoctrination by missionaries. These disgusting scum sucking cunts actually use food, medicine and other such fun items to force people to join their blatantly religious organizations. This is like sitting on a man’s face, forcing it underwater, and then allowing him to breathe farts straight from your arsehole. As repulsive as it may be, the alternative (death) is still worse. Typically the places where this sort of evil goes on are those countries that, by virtue of their anal rape, put the colon in colonial. After looting the natural resources, displacing the population and corrupting any fledgling governmental organizations the imperial powers simply fucked off (leaving a few guys to continue taking as much as possible out of the cookie jar). This lead to impoverished nations, a lack of education and, all too often, war. These are the conditions beloved by missionaries since prosperous, educated and healthy people have no need for their bullshit. Missionaries are like rapists who tell you they love you. But they get the job done. That’s why all the main Christ-punching churches love them. I hope that many of their converts are merely pragmatists who understand the greatest rip off ever told, but vulnerable people can be sucked in. That’s the whole point.

Fortunately many people who were brainwashed from childhood are able to break out of the cycle of retardation and become atheists. Since all religious faiths are untenable it might be expected that this is inevitable, but the power of childhood brainwashing is usually reinforced with threats of eternal damnation and of societal ills. Just try running for public office as a declared atheist. You’d have more luck saying you wanted to kill all fags because Jesus hates them. Yes, incredible as it may seem, people really are this fucking stupid, and it’s not always due to mental conditioning. There are some fucktards who are so cuntish that the only reasonable conclusion is that they are cunts. That they know their religiosity is a sham and don’t mind using it for their own benefit. Television evangelists? Clearly utter cunts. They live in huge mansions, drive top of the range cars and use live minks to wipe their corpulent arses. And morons continue to send them money! Ordinary stupidity cannot account for this. Benny Hinn! Thus guy sounds like a mentally challenged character from a soap opera, and he looks like he just emerged from a San Francisco Bath house. His “faith healing” has been exposed on numerous occasions as nothing more than bullshit (and on one occasion he is said to have killed a man by pushing him over on a stage while “healing” him). If this was a screenplay it would get laughed out of town, but it’s real! HOW STUPID CAN A HUMAN BEING BE AND STILL LIVE? Not this stupid. It’s got to be brainwashing or some other illicit manipulation.

If there is some truth to this Christ-punching, why don’t atheists ever spontaneously convert? I am much more likely to spontaneously combust than do that, and it is extremely rare for someone who has not been brainwashed to suddenly find the lord. This might appear to happen in prison, especially on death row, but can this really be said to be spontaneous? The parole boards do not seem to think so. Every now and then some pretentious polesmoker will get all “spiritual” and start talking shit about the cosmic forces of mother earth, and how maybe Jesus was here speaking for the planet. To these people I say “eat my sewage you fucking dildo”. This parsimonious intellectual feat is as impressive as lying on the floor and soiling yourself. Spirituality is simply amateur religion. Or, to put it another way, home made excrement.

So why are we surrounded by religiots? Because there are a lot of lying cunts around, and a lot of weak minded fools. These ARE the droids you’re looking for assholes. The human brain is very good at protecting itself. Not from a fist or a cock that went too far, but from comprehending an unpleasant reality. The ability of the mind to lie to itself is superior even to the ability of politicians to lie to everyone else. After years of being lied to by your family and priests and other supposedly trustworthy people, it’s simply easier to pretend that they were telling the truth rather than accept the reality. So where do Christians come from? They come from lies. Bullshit and lies. Fuck them all.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

From the Pen of George W Bush




As many of you may remember Mahmood Ahmadi-Najad, the president of Iran, sent Dubya a demented letter some time ago. Political pundits claimed that there would be no response because the letter was completely outside of the usual diplomatic protocals, but it turns out that the president has only just finished reading it. A male prostitute (who cannot be named) with very high level access in the whitehouse has leaked the presidents reply exclusively to CHOOBLOG. It is expected that his hand written letter will undergo some polishing by staff members before it is released, but the original is perhaps more interesting in that it allows a glimpse into the mind of the president, without the usual whitehouse spin.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Praise be to Allah




Muslims can praise allah every time they drop a load with my new Jizzlam Shit Rag (copyright pending).

I thought about including verses from the koran, but then I remembered how much muslims love cartoons, so I opted instead for a cheeky raghead character. Just imagine all the hilarious arse adventures he with have! This amazing new product will make worship as enjoyable as dropping the kids off at the pool. Don't take my word for it though, just look at these 100% genuine testimonials, that I did not make up.









Wow! Shitting and praising Allah has never been so convenient
greatmuslim 10

I just had a new rotatable toilet installed in my jet so I could shit facing mecca, and this is the only tp I will ever use.
Al mahmoud Jalfrezi

Holy Shit! My asshole has never been closer to god.
Ali Baba

If dumping my ass candy directly onto Allah's greatness is wrong, I don't wanna be right
Mohammed bin Raider


Friday, July 21, 2006

Bumper Stickers: a warning


If you want people you don’t know to understand what a total Muppet you are without the bother of talking to them what better way is there than putting a few bumper stickers on your car. The best part is, it doesn’t make any difference what the sticker says, because they all say the same thing: I am a cunt. Sometimes they say other things as well. Bush-Cheney: I am a super cunt. Jesus is love: please ram me off the road, because I am a cunt. There is only one thing worse, and that is, of course, the Jesus fish. In the event of an accident the driver of a car with a Jesus fish should automatically be held responsible, even of the other driver was drunk and getting a blow job from a hooker while speeding the wrong way down a one way street in a stolen car, ordering a pizza on his cell phone. After all, is not this driver merely the instrument of God’s will?

And the Darwin fish isn’t much better. The intent might be infinitely more sensible, but really, what’s the point? No matter what faction you align yourself with by virtue of your vehicular adornments there will always be plenty of other drivers around who don’t agree with you, so why advertise your difference? The security of the steel cocoon (probably aluminium actually) clearly emboldens many weasel faced motorists, otherwise there would be a lot more radical activists around. As it is, gutless shitsuckers cover their absurdly large cars with all sorts of crap (free Tibet, pro-life, pro-choice, pro-hockey, support nambla and so on) but as soon as they become pedestrians they keep very quiet.

As you may know, I presently live in southern California, and so I have observed some other cartards that may not be familiar to those outside the United States. I refer to really big or really small wheels. Some people find it necessary to install an entirely new suspension system on their giant trucks so that they can have a 15 foot tall pick up truck with 40 inch wheels. Why? Zeuss only knows. If the intent is to look like a total fucking assclown, then mission accomplished. Some people like to go the other way and put on very tiny wheels so that their piece of shit cars (which they usually are) are practically scrapping the ground. I imagine they must drive around with sticks so they can push themselves off if they get stuck on a speed bump. And the flames. My god, the flames! Adding stickers of faux flames is strangely popular despite the obvious absurdity. When coupled with an oversized rear spoiler phony wildfire makes it possible to make a Honda civic look like an even bigger joke than it does when it rollsof the production line.

All of these things are beyond my ken, and my Barbie. Why go out of your way to look like an arsehole? That’s like going to an upscale wedding in acid wash jeans: there’s just no reason for it. Here are a few I’ve seen recently.

My child was on the honour roll at shithead elementary So fucking what? What am I supposed to do, follow you home so I can meet this amazing kid? Throw some money at you so you can start a college fund and send the mother fucker to Harvard? And what does it take to get on the honour roll at shithead elementary? Show up without a gun? Fucking ridiculous.

Baby on board No mate, arsehole on board.

It’s a JEEP thing, you wouldn’t understand. No, I wouldn’t understand because I’m not a fucking dildo. It’s a dildo thing, I don’t want to understand.

Just give me my coffee and nobody gets hurt. Don’t count on it shithead. If you think this is in any way amusing there are probably a lot of people who frequently think about beating your face in, in a violent and prolonged manner.

If you can read this, your [sic] way too close! That’s one possibility. Another is that I have normal eyesight and I know how to read, and contract you are.

I support our troops Really? Using a gallon of fuel to get a pint of milk? Seems like you really support Halliburton, you phony fuck.

There is only one bumper sticker that is not evidence of wankosity: The sort you get when you or a relative works for the police. It gives ruffians pause for thought, and no doubt prevents tickets for all but the most egregious offences. That makes sense. Announcing to everyone you can that you’re a cunt; that really doesn’t make a lot of sense. Still, whoever said that cunts are sensible?

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Religiots

To debate or not to debate?

Imagine you’re walking down the street and a filthy hobo approaches you, a manky looking cap in his outstretched hand evidencing his intention. Being a decent sort you give the repulsive tramp some green, and he then starts confiding in you. He tells you a story involving alien abduction, anal probing and time travel. Would you stop and argue with this rancid denizen of the streets, or dismiss his tall tale out of hand? Would it be a judicious use of your time and effort to research his story in order to refute it? Unless you are some sort of retard, the answer to this is obviously no. Why then do we treat the hobo’s of intellectualism (that is, theists) with such respect? What is the point debating religiots when the entire basis of their position can be summed up as “I have faith”? The stinking bin raider also has faith, faith that his diseased arsehole was inspected by E.T in a spaceship, but his demented rambling is given short shrift by all but the mentally ill.

Some people with a lot of patience don’t mind amusing themselves by arguing with theists. Indeed, some Christ-punchers can be quite ingenious in their convoluted attempts to justify the unjustifiable. I can’t be arsed with such bollocks though. As far as I’m concerned there is no difference between arguing about God with religiots and explaining to a 19 year old why the tooth he put under his pillow was still there in the morning instead of cash. Fuck that shit. And it doesn’t much matter if it’s Jeebus lovers, followers of Jizzlam, branch Davidians or any flavour of god bothering spooge slurper. They are all full of the same shit and getting caught up in the details of their retarded religions is a complete waste of time. Not only that, it takes away precious time that could be better used watching porn. Discussing the details of Jesus’ life is as useful as trying to figure out whether or not Shaft really was so complicated that nobody understood him but his woman.

It’s not that theists are all idiots; it’s just that they won’t shut the fuck up about god. And I can’t even begin to count the number of Sundays I have wasted because of fucking Jesus. Not from going to church or anything: I’m not retarded. I’m talking about having to spend the day sleeping or something because the pub is closed. And why the fuck do they think it’s a good idea to go round to people’s houses and start talking shit about god? Imagine if homosexuals went door to door to spread the good news about spreading the arse cheeks, or if middle aged nerds dressed up in costumes came round and started talking klingon. It’s not even as if Jeebus is all that. McGyver could have done the same shit armed only with a piece of string and a packet of chewing gum.

Yet somehow these stupid mother fuckers are convinced that they are onto something. Why? Fuck knows. Maybe Cal is right and they have the Christ psychosis. Maybe they are just wankers. All I know is that I would rather coat my enormous schlong in honey and face fuck a grizzly bear than “debate” with religiots.

Arseholes Anonymous

Alcoholics anonymous: cult or crock?

The simple answer is that it’s both a crock of shit and a cult. The friends of Bill are usually hopeless losers: exactly the type of people who need the booze. Imagine how awful it would be to wake up every day and have to remember what a worthless fuck you are. This is why booze is so great, and that’s why these pikey fuckers should be gulping it down, just like the good old days. But they do not. “AA saves lives” some whining Christ puncher will probably say. Does it fuck. It’s just a cult, and it uses standard cult tactics to make sure that some ex-drunks can experience some power by lording it over some other alcoholics. The guy who cleans portable toilets may seem like a disgusting shit scrubber to you, but if he’s been on the wankers wagon for 10 years he is like a god to the other acolytes at the AA meeting. They hold alcohol over you like the pint of Damocles, threatening you with absurd stories about things they used to do before they bent over and allowed a “higher power” to fuck them in the arse and drop a mammoth load of self righteousness. And, like all good cults, they have a special book of bollocks: the big book of bullshit. And let’s not forget the 12 steps: a fine tool of indoctrination, with a proven success when it comes to indoctrinating tools.

Perhaps the biggest lie told by arseholes anonymous is that it is not a religious group. Where do they hold most of their fucking meetings? IN FUCKING CHURCHES THAT’S WHERE. What is this higher power if it isn’t god? Is it the stockmarket? Even if your brain is soaked in gin this ploy is pretty easy to see through. Pretending that there is no religion in AA is like saying you only read penthouse for the articles, and saying it while simultaneously masturbating furiously. If you happen to be one of these people who will actually die if you don’t stop drinking then you should do some time in prison. If you actually want to continue living (and lets face it, for these losers that’s not always the best option) why the fuck would you let a group of self confessed losers be responsible for your life? It’s fucking retarded. That’s like asking Michael Jackson to baby-sit.

“But it works” the same whining prick will probably say. Does it? Maybe if you are willing to become a jeebus zombie and start acting like a cunt, you can give up the booze for a few years. It’s not fucking worth it. I’d rather drink myself into the grave than hang out with such pathetic pikey bastards. A sober drunk is the worst of both worlds. They are as boring as the bible and just as self righteous, and (for some reason) generally ugly mother fuckers as well. No thanks man. If you really can’t drink anymore, there’s always weed, or crack. Anything is better than turning into a friend of Bill. You try and find a more pathetic specimen than a chain smoking haggard ex alcoholic who likes nothing more than getting a late night phone call from someone he is “sponsoring” so he can feel like the big man and offer useless platitudes. Compared to them, broke down crack whores are like elegant debutantes.

If you read this and you believe you have a problem with alcohol, here is my advice to you: Stop being such a pussy. That’s the real problem, too many pussies.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

If you are reading this then you are not me, which means you are quite probably a cunt of some sort, or possibly a shitsucking dad wanker. There is a small chance that this is not so, but I see no reason to deal with matters of vanishingly small probability. In any case, the important point to understand is that I am much better than you, and any opinions you may hold that conflict with mine are undoubtedly as wrong as wrong can be.

Anyway, the internets have served us well as the ultimate repository of porn, but finally they have another use. Not only am I unbelievably awesome, but I am also seriously fucking generous, and as such I have decided to share my great wisdom with you, even though you in no way deserve it. While extensive though, my generosity is not unlimited, so don’t be pestering me with your pathetic problems or suggesting any stupid subjects for me to comment on. I don’t want to hear any of it. Anything you can think of is almost guaranteed to be shit, and if it isn’t I have already thought of it. Having said that, I am always keen to hear from ladies, especially if they like to drink from the furry cup; and if you want to send me filthy disgusting pictures of a sexual nature then you go right ahead and get it out of your system. No mingers though. Seriously.

This Chooblog has been created to fill a void. Not a fishy void, but rather one of sarcastic amusement as used to be provided by the Raving Atheist, before he turned into a mealy mouthed christ punching fop. Perhaps there is some logical reason for the RA’s descent into abject wankosity, but if there is I don’t know what the buggery bollocks it is, and I don’t fucking care either. If by his actions shall ye know him then I know he’s been jesusified, and that isn’t right. I pity the fool who accepts a fictional dead Jewish cocksmoker as their personal lord and saviour. If you don’t know who the Raving Atheist is then fucking google the bastard, assclown.

So, this is merely an announcement. The Chooblog is here, and unless I lose interest in it (which is quite possible) it will remain. Yes, it may be horrid in parts, but that’s life. I sincerely hope that everyone who reads this hates it.