A blog of infinite Choobism, and thence of incredible awesomeness.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Cocksucker Christianity

Chooblog is honoured to have a contribution from Cap'n Awesome, who is well known over at RA. If you don't know who the cap'n is, go fuck yourself you ignorant cumchugger.

There are two basic types of Christians. Sure, there are ten million different sects, from Catholics to Mormons to Christian ‘Scientists’ and Ethiopian Orthodox. But when you boil it all down, there are only two types. The first type is the fundamentalist, they read their bible and believe every bit of it to be truth. No, it’s not a conglomeration of myths, fables and legends collected by barely literate goat-fucking tribesmen over a time span of thousands of years, it is the word of God! We are all familiar with this type, they have Sunday morning TV shows, Dinosaur theme parks and double-wide trailers.

The other type of Christian is equal in number and generally not as loud. This does absolutely nothing to dampen their idiocy. They are the ones who don’t take the bible literally, but for some reason still believe Jesus and god. However instead of the Jesus and God of the bible, they believe in basically whatever they made up themselves. We have several names for these people, the most common is “Liberal Christian” but some other well know ones are “Christian Apologists” “Whiney Christians” and “Limp-wristed, touchy-feely, crybaby Christians” but my favorite way to refer to them is “Cocksucker Christians”

This label is accurate for a couple of reasons. One: It’s a well know scientific fact that all of them (male and female) love a big hunk of man-meat in the mouth from time to time. Two: They like to figuratively suck cock also, specifically the cock of anything that is ‘spiritual’ and doesn’t involve a lot of effort or thought. They all love Buddhism, just mentioning the word Buddhism will get their panties wet (as the men wear panties also) but when you ask them to name the basic tenants of Buddhism they’ll stutter for a second then go “Uhhhh, peace”

Cocksucker Christians all share a few basic characteristics. Number one: They think their views are unique. Now to a certain degree they are right, because everything they believe is just made up in their own heads. You often hear them say phrases like “God, to me, is just pure love” Well thank you dipshit, do you have anything to back up that statement? They go out of the way to add the ‘to me’ because they want you to know how tolerant and accepting they are of your point of view, with that faint glimmer of hope in their eye that you are going to accept theirs back. It reminds me of the retarded kid who wanted to play soccer with the rest of us, and we pretended that we let him, then beaned him in the head with the ball and started kicking him. You’d feel sorry for them, if they weren’t such drooling retards.

The second characteristic is that they are very very very tolerant and go out of the way every moment to let you know how tolerant they are. All beliefs are equal in their minds. They like to ignore a fundamental aspect of reality, somebody is right. (Hint: it’s the Atheists) There either is a god or there isn’t. (Hint: There isn’t) That right there disqualifies the idea that all beliefs are equally valid. Whenever you point this out, they love to drop the one weapon in their arsenal (Aside from cocksucking) and that is the “open minded” card. “You are just not open minded” To which I like to ask them why they aren’t open minded to the idea of killing yourself for Allah. Because they know that it is a stupid belief! If they weren’t busy getting kicked for being a retard or slobbering down a nice chunk of Buddhist cock, they would realize their beliefs are all stupid too.

Cap’n Awesome ( YourReligionSucks.blogspot.com )

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

What is Jeebus thinking?

Caption contest. The winning caption will recieve fuck all, so it's not much of a contest I admit, but it's still better than blowing yourself up for 72 raisins.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Miracles of the Buy Bull

For Christian parents it is a moment to be treasured, a milestone in the miraculous journey to create another child of Christ. Teaching the wonders of the bible, the word of God no less, to an innocent is one of the truly rewarding aspects of religiosity. That and not burning in hell for all eternity. Imagine that look on his or her little face when you read to him (or her) amazing bible stories for the very first time; a memory to treasure for sure. Now imagine the look on that old wrinkled Christian face when the child looks up and says “Mom, dad, are you taking the fucking piss or what?” That’s priceless.

If you are not a full on Christ Puncher you will probably know that the Bible is a relatively popular work of fiction that relies heavily on the principle of “suspension of disbelief”. This is a vehicle often used in fictional works, be they plays, novels, movies or what have you, in which the audience is required to accept a number of obviously unrealistic premises in order to allow the rest of the narrative to flow. An example of this is the terminator. One has to tacitly accept the fact that a cyborg has traveled back in time to kill a woman before one can enjoy the ensuing violence. Another example is, perhaps, a porno in which several super hot babes appear eager to get pounded by Ron Jeremy. You have to accept this before you can start jerking off. This latter, I have to say, is not always possible due to Ron’s overly hirsute back and grotesquely voluminous blubber.

Thus it is that when reading the bible it is assumed that you will accept blatant absurdity with aplomb, and then just go along for the ride. Provided you understand that it is fictional (or at the very least has severely over-extended its poetic license) this is perfectly acceptable. Problems arise if you believe that the bible is somehow true or, even worse, the one and only troof. By far the worst case is when young children are force fed this fiction as though it were absolutely real. It is for this reason, and also because of my enormous compassion for humanity, that I have chosen to reveal the obvious explanations for a number of biblical “miracles”. To many what I shall say will seem obvious, but for the benefit of those who might be under indoctrination I shall reiterate these simple points. In many cases historical ambiguity may be most easily clarified by an application of Occam’s razor. In the case of the buy-bull the razor is not up to the job and it is necessary to break out Occam’s motherfucking chainsaw. Naturally, I cannot even consider most of the biblical foolishness, by virtue of its sheer volume. I can address some of the more well known balderdash, and I do so thusly.

Is it even necessary to suggest that perhaps a skank ho (a.k.a. the virgin mary) might have lied about taking some illicit schlong? The alternative idea (that is, virgin birth, or God rape) is idiotic in the extreme. If almighty God wanted a bastard son why didn’t the ultimate assmonkey just send Jeebus down fully formed, and a bit less wanky? His business, I suppose, but still, it does seem to advance my position that God is either nonexistent, or is a fucking retard.

Maybe Jeebus whipped up some magic food, or maybe he just sent round a piece of manky bread, perhaps dripping with his spooge (the loaf and the fish). Nobody wants to eat that shit, so they kept passing in on, and hence the falsehood grew that it fed thousands, and there was even some left over.

Big fucking deal. I can turn wine into piss, and I can do it at an astounding rate. I’m not saying that this makes me an anti Jeebus. I would never say that, because it makes no sense. Here’s a thought, maybe it was wine all the time. Or maybe there wasn’t any wine at all.

Perhaps it was a bit icy that day? Ok, not too likely in the middle east, but then, neither is defying the laws of physics. How deep was this water? Did Jeebus have some big arse platforms?

I’m blind. Wait, now I can see! It’s amazing: amazing like taking a shit, which is to say not very. Growing a new arm, now that is a serious bit of healing, but some blind cock sucker claiming he can see is more than a bit dubious. If Jeebus was able to grow stuff perhaps he should have considered growing some balls.

Mental illness anyone? Naturally they didn’t know much about how the brain works in those days (and we still don’t really) but you don’t need a CT scan to recognize a fucking nutjob when he whips out his dick and jazzes up on your sandals. A smack in the chops might well bring such a loon to his senses, temporarily.

Again, why? Maybe Jeebus died on the cross and then rose from the dead, or just maybe he didn’t die at all. Why is it that when he was given a drink it apparently caused him to die? That’s some powerful fucking vinegar. Or maybe it was a sedative. Both Luke and Mark say that Jeebus was taken to a nearby tomb: a great place to revive a drugged bullshitter. Of course, the whole thing could simply be more made up crap, but even on the face of the text itself it don’t make no sense. My magic balls say “all signs point to bullshit.”

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Mommy, how are Christians made?

What does it take to turn an ordinary human being into a Christian? If you ask the Christ-punchers themselves they will of course tell you that the Lord came upon them bukkake style and filled their hearts with the Christlove. However, this is clearly inaccurate.

The vast majority of Christ-punching religiots were brainwashed by their parents and various priestly accomplices when they were children. This is a particularly heinous form of child abuse, especially when performed in conjunction with anal rape, as is so often the case in the catholic church of bum banditry. It’s difficult for some to break free of this early conditioning, and whatever one might think of the shit sucking dad wankers who worship Jesus, it has to be said that they have got their brainwashing skills perfected. They have had centuries to practice, of course, and some of their preferred methods (such as burning people, or simply torturing them) are no longer as efficacious.

In less fortunate parts of the world good old fashioned blackmail is still very popular in indoctrination by missionaries. These disgusting scum sucking cunts actually use food, medicine and other such fun items to force people to join their blatantly religious organizations. This is like sitting on a man’s face, forcing it underwater, and then allowing him to breathe farts straight from your arsehole. As repulsive as it may be, the alternative (death) is still worse. Typically the places where this sort of evil goes on are those countries that, by virtue of their anal rape, put the colon in colonial. After looting the natural resources, displacing the population and corrupting any fledgling governmental organizations the imperial powers simply fucked off (leaving a few guys to continue taking as much as possible out of the cookie jar). This lead to impoverished nations, a lack of education and, all too often, war. These are the conditions beloved by missionaries since prosperous, educated and healthy people have no need for their bullshit. Missionaries are like rapists who tell you they love you. But they get the job done. That’s why all the main Christ-punching churches love them. I hope that many of their converts are merely pragmatists who understand the greatest rip off ever told, but vulnerable people can be sucked in. That’s the whole point.

Fortunately many people who were brainwashed from childhood are able to break out of the cycle of retardation and become atheists. Since all religious faiths are untenable it might be expected that this is inevitable, but the power of childhood brainwashing is usually reinforced with threats of eternal damnation and of societal ills. Just try running for public office as a declared atheist. You’d have more luck saying you wanted to kill all fags because Jesus hates them. Yes, incredible as it may seem, people really are this fucking stupid, and it’s not always due to mental conditioning. There are some fucktards who are so cuntish that the only reasonable conclusion is that they are cunts. That they know their religiosity is a sham and don’t mind using it for their own benefit. Television evangelists? Clearly utter cunts. They live in huge mansions, drive top of the range cars and use live minks to wipe their corpulent arses. And morons continue to send them money! Ordinary stupidity cannot account for this. Benny Hinn! Thus guy sounds like a mentally challenged character from a soap opera, and he looks like he just emerged from a San Francisco Bath house. His “faith healing” has been exposed on numerous occasions as nothing more than bullshit (and on one occasion he is said to have killed a man by pushing him over on a stage while “healing” him). If this was a screenplay it would get laughed out of town, but it’s real! HOW STUPID CAN A HUMAN BEING BE AND STILL LIVE? Not this stupid. It’s got to be brainwashing or some other illicit manipulation.

If there is some truth to this Christ-punching, why don’t atheists ever spontaneously convert? I am much more likely to spontaneously combust than do that, and it is extremely rare for someone who has not been brainwashed to suddenly find the lord. This might appear to happen in prison, especially on death row, but can this really be said to be spontaneous? The parole boards do not seem to think so. Every now and then some pretentious polesmoker will get all “spiritual” and start talking shit about the cosmic forces of mother earth, and how maybe Jesus was here speaking for the planet. To these people I say “eat my sewage you fucking dildo”. This parsimonious intellectual feat is as impressive as lying on the floor and soiling yourself. Spirituality is simply amateur religion. Or, to put it another way, home made excrement.

So why are we surrounded by religiots? Because there are a lot of lying cunts around, and a lot of weak minded fools. These ARE the droids you’re looking for assholes. The human brain is very good at protecting itself. Not from a fist or a cock that went too far, but from comprehending an unpleasant reality. The ability of the mind to lie to itself is superior even to the ability of politicians to lie to everyone else. After years of being lied to by your family and priests and other supposedly trustworthy people, it’s simply easier to pretend that they were telling the truth rather than accept the reality. So where do Christians come from? They come from lies. Bullshit and lies. Fuck them all.