There are two basic types of Christians. Sure, there are ten million different sects, from Catholics to Mormons to Christian ‘Scientists’ and Ethiopian Orthodox. But when you boil it all down, there are only two types. The first type is the fundamentalist, they read their bible and believe every bit of it to be truth. No, it’s not a conglomeration of myths, fables and legends collected by barely literate goat-fucking tribesmen over a time span of thousands of years, it is the word of God! We are all familiar with this type, they have Sunday morning TV shows, Dinosaur theme parks and double-wide trailers.
The other type of Christian is equal in number and generally not as loud. This does absolutely nothing to dampen their idiocy. They are the ones who don’t take the bible literally, but for some reason still believe Jesus and god. However instead of the Jesus and God of the bible, they believe in basically whatever they made up themselves. We have several names for these people, the most common is “Liberal Christian” but some other well know ones are “Christian Apologists” “Whiney Christians” and “Limp-wristed, touchy-feely, crybaby Christians” but my favorite way to refer to them is “Cocksucker Christians”
This label is accurate for a couple of reasons. One: It’s a well know scientific fact that all of them (male and female) love a big hunk of man-meat in the mouth from time to time. Two: They like to figuratively suck cock also, specifically the cock of anything that is ‘spiritual’ and doesn’t involve a lot of effort or thought. They all love Buddhism, just mentioning the word Buddhism will get their panties wet (as the men wear panties also) but when you ask them to name the basic tenants of Buddhism they’ll stutter for a second then go “Uhhhh, peace”
Cocksucker Christians all share a few basic characteristics. Number one: They think their views are unique. Now to a certain degree they are right, because everything they believe is just made up in their own heads. You often hear them say phrases like “God, to me, is just pure love” Well thank you dipshit, do you have anything to back up that statement? They go out of the way to add the ‘to me’ because they want you to know how tolerant and accepting they are of your point of view, with that faint glimmer of hope in their eye that you are going to accept theirs back. It reminds me of the retarded kid who wanted to play soccer with the rest of us, and we pretended that we let him, then beaned him in the head with the ball and started kicking him. You’d feel sorry for them, if they weren’t such drooling retards.
The second characteristic is that they are very very very tolerant and go out of the way every moment to let you know how tolerant they are. All beliefs are equal in their minds. They like to ignore a fundamental aspect of reality, somebody is right. (Hint: it’s the Atheists) There either is a god or there isn’t. (Hint: There isn’t) That right there disqualifies the idea that all beliefs are equally valid. Whenever you point this out, they love to drop the one weapon in their arsenal (Aside from cocksucking) and that is the “open minded” card. “You are just not open minded” To which I like to ask them why they aren’t open minded to the idea of killing yourself for Allah. Because they know that it is a stupid belief! If they weren’t busy getting kicked for being a retard or slobbering down a nice chunk of Buddhist cock, they would realize their beliefs are all stupid too.
Cap’n Awesome ( YourReligionSucks.blogspot.com )