A blog of infinite Choobism, and thence of incredible awesomeness.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Miracles of the Buy Bull

For Christian parents it is a moment to be treasured, a milestone in the miraculous journey to create another child of Christ. Teaching the wonders of the bible, the word of God no less, to an innocent is one of the truly rewarding aspects of religiosity. That and not burning in hell for all eternity. Imagine that look on his or her little face when you read to him (or her) amazing bible stories for the very first time; a memory to treasure for sure. Now imagine the look on that old wrinkled Christian face when the child looks up and says “Mom, dad, are you taking the fucking piss or what?” That’s priceless.

If you are not a full on Christ Puncher you will probably know that the Bible is a relatively popular work of fiction that relies heavily on the principle of “suspension of disbelief”. This is a vehicle often used in fictional works, be they plays, novels, movies or what have you, in which the audience is required to accept a number of obviously unrealistic premises in order to allow the rest of the narrative to flow. An example of this is the terminator. One has to tacitly accept the fact that a cyborg has traveled back in time to kill a woman before one can enjoy the ensuing violence. Another example is, perhaps, a porno in which several super hot babes appear eager to get pounded by Ron Jeremy. You have to accept this before you can start jerking off. This latter, I have to say, is not always possible due to Ron’s overly hirsute back and grotesquely voluminous blubber.

Thus it is that when reading the bible it is assumed that you will accept blatant absurdity with aplomb, and then just go along for the ride. Provided you understand that it is fictional (or at the very least has severely over-extended its poetic license) this is perfectly acceptable. Problems arise if you believe that the bible is somehow true or, even worse, the one and only troof. By far the worst case is when young children are force fed this fiction as though it were absolutely real. It is for this reason, and also because of my enormous compassion for humanity, that I have chosen to reveal the obvious explanations for a number of biblical “miracles”. To many what I shall say will seem obvious, but for the benefit of those who might be under indoctrination I shall reiterate these simple points. In many cases historical ambiguity may be most easily clarified by an application of Occam’s razor. In the case of the buy-bull the razor is not up to the job and it is necessary to break out Occam’s motherfucking chainsaw. Naturally, I cannot even consider most of the biblical foolishness, by virtue of its sheer volume. I can address some of the more well known balderdash, and I do so thusly.

THE VIRGIN BIRTH:
Is it even necessary to suggest that perhaps a skank ho (a.k.a. the virgin mary) might have lied about taking some illicit schlong? The alternative idea (that is, virgin birth, or God rape) is idiotic in the extreme. If almighty God wanted a bastard son why didn’t the ultimate assmonkey just send Jeebus down fully formed, and a bit less wanky? His business, I suppose, but still, it does seem to advance my position that God is either nonexistent, or is a fucking retard.

FEEDING THE 5000 PIKEYS:
Maybe Jeebus whipped up some magic food, or maybe he just sent round a piece of manky bread, perhaps dripping with his spooge (the loaf and the fish). Nobody wants to eat that shit, so they kept passing in on, and hence the falsehood grew that it fed thousands, and there was even some left over.

TURNING WATER INTO WINE:
Big fucking deal. I can turn wine into piss, and I can do it at an astounding rate. I’m not saying that this makes me an anti Jeebus. I would never say that, because it makes no sense. Here’s a thought, maybe it was wine all the time. Or maybe there wasn’t any wine at all.

WALKING ON WATER:
Perhaps it was a bit icy that day? Ok, not too likely in the middle east, but then, neither is defying the laws of physics. How deep was this water? Did Jeebus have some big arse platforms?

HEALING THE BLIND:
I’m blind. Wait, now I can see! It’s amazing: amazing like taking a shit, which is to say not very. Growing a new arm, now that is a serious bit of healing, but some blind cock sucker claiming he can see is more than a bit dubious. If Jeebus was able to grow stuff perhaps he should have considered growing some balls.

EXPELLING DEMONS:
Mental illness anyone? Naturally they didn’t know much about how the brain works in those days (and we still don’t really) but you don’t need a CT scan to recognize a fucking nutjob when he whips out his dick and jazzes up on your sandals. A smack in the chops might well bring such a loon to his senses, temporarily.


THE RESSURECTION:
Again, why? Maybe Jeebus died on the cross and then rose from the dead, or just maybe he didn’t die at all. Why is it that when he was given a drink it apparently caused him to die? That’s some powerful fucking vinegar. Or maybe it was a sedative. Both Luke and Mark say that Jeebus was taken to a nearby tomb: a great place to revive a drugged bullshitter. Of course, the whole thing could simply be more made up crap, but even on the face of the text itself it don’t make no sense. My magic balls say “all signs point to bullshit.”

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

Choobus choobus, when will you understand that the simplest explanation is usually the right one? The most simplest explanation is that the bible is true and Jesus was sent here to die for our sins. Even yours, you just have to ask for his forgiveness and it will be yours.

emr said...

A simple explanation for a simple mind.

masshole said...

the "most simplest" explanation why anyone would accept the absurdities presented by the bible as "simple explanations" is that they're a mentally retarded fucking assclown

Anonymous said...

see how desperate choobus is to deny the real and well documented miracles of the bible. It is obvious that he knows in his heart that they are true miracles and this scare him so much he has to make up these lies

Christ Ass Punchy said...

Choobus, why not drop the act, and sanity, and accept a huge bible cock in your ear? It is inevitable Choobus; accept the Cripes culty goodness in your bum.

Anonymous said...

Go to Hell chobis!

Brad89 said...

Anonymous Dumbshit said:
"[S]ee how desperate choobus is to deny the real and well documented miracles of the bible."

Please god tell me you were high when you wrote this. If this shit were 'well documented' there wouldn't be debate as to whether or not this guy ever existed! Fucktard. Go ahead, Choob, and rip out Occam's motherfucking chainsaw!!!

Choobus said...

why do christians always tell me to go to hell? If there is a Hell won't Jeebus decide if I go there or not? If there isn't one, what's the point telling me to go there? Either way the directive seems to be quite pointless, much like Christianity itself.

jesusgurl6969 said...

OMG choobis i kno sooooooo much about science & logic & stuff and Okams r4z0r sez that t3h mostest simplest explanation is t3h 1337-est!!!!!11

LOL!

and u kno wut t3h 1337est explanation iz??????? GOD DID IT LOL OMGz0r$!!!!111!

--jesusgurl6969

The Judge said...

Anon, your "grasp" of the English language belies your meagre education and consequently pathetic intellect.

The simplest explanation for these so-called "miracles" can be found by looking at what we know for sure about the world.

a.) People, being psychological beings, are subject to numerous motivational biases which influence what they tell to other people and how stories are perpetuated throughout time.
These include: mental illness, cognitive dissonance and cultural identity to name but a few. There is every conceivable reason that the primitive people who instigated and perpetuated these myths had their reasons but these are explicable within the context of what we know about human psychology.

b.) So-called "miracles" defy the laws of physics and so far from being the simplest explanation; they are instead simply the "most improbable" and therefore less worthy of consideration.

You have no proof of miracles. You have no proof of this "god" character you keep babbling on about and you have no proof for this fantasy you call "hell."

Until such proofs are forthcoming, fuck off.

Choobus said...

Judge,

may I suggest that anon et al fuck off wheter or not such proof is forthcoming? Since at this time they are just making it up any later confirmation does nothing to mitigate thier obvious assclownery, and the fucking off should therefore stand in any case.

The Judge said...

Indeed. Objection sustained:
Anon et al will fuck off from this place to anywhere else except here because at this time they are just making shit up thereby rendering any such later "confirmation" of these fantasies also null and void.

The sanctity of this most holy Chooblog is the only repository of true wisdom and their infantile and frankly dangerous babblings are detrimental to any and all intellectual progress.

They are obviously assclowns and are a danger to society at large.

Sentence has been passed:
They will FUCK OFF or die.
Any transgression of this most graciously lenient punishment will be met by swift ass-serving on a silver platter by intellectual overlords of clout and merit who have actually been to school, high/secondary school and university and consequently know a thing or three about life the universe and everything.

You have been warned you cunt/s.

a different tim said...

Anon's clearly a troll.

Maybe someone on RA's having some payback with ya over Chris Treborn, Choob.....

HomoCyclist said...

Choobus,
The "bable" is the most pathetic and retarded book I've ever known.

Oh and Choobus, don't worry about the asshats sending you to hell, I've been there and it's a lot of fun.

Anonymous said...

Homosexauls are out looking for support in humans because they are ashamed to take it to God and let Him cure them.

God will lift your disease, just ask!

jesus said...

Look at me, I'm Jesus. I give the Chooblog my official seal of approval.

To the anonymous poster: I know who you are, and I'm telling my dad!!!

jesus said...

Oh, and lesbians are totally hot, by the way.

god said...

I concur with my son Jesus. The whole reason I created the gay gene was so I could see some hot girl-on-girl action.

....and sometimes some hot boy-on-boy action, too! ;)

Brad89 said...

Anonomous motherfucker wrote:
"Homosexauls are out looking for support in humans because they are ashamed to take it to God and let Him cure them.

God will lift your disease, just ask!"

FUCK YOU, you stupid fucking prick!!! What the hell is your problem? When in the fuck did homosexuality become a fucking disease, asswipe? For your information, my boss is gay, my great uncle is gay, and neither of them are anything out of the ordinary. IT'S GENETIC, MOTHERFUCKER, get used to it! If your fucking god wanted to fix it, he wouldn't fucking cause it in the first place, you Christ-punching piece of shit! You are the reason our genepool is this fucking polluted. DON'T PROCREATE, FUCKTARD! I sincerely doubt you can read, let alone spell, a word that large, so what I mean is keep your fucking virginity long enough to get yourself hit by a bus. It's a small change in the population, but it's a fucking start.

Just to reiterate, FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER.

Anonymous said...

God did not make anyone homosexaul, just as He does not stop that foul language you use.

The choice is yours. Be gay with satan or ask for God to help you, He will.

Anonymous said...

See godhatesfags.com for a better explaination.

Anonymous said...

Actually I've just read a book that is not the Bible (hard to believe I know) and I have learned the fact that being gay is not evil.
I am so sorry that I have been so stupid and abusive.
You will know me by my words and I am truth. I apologize for my idiocy.

thetruthword said...

To better clarify myself so that imposters from satan don't mix my words I will be named youneedmercy.

You need to repent!

Choobus said...

YNM we already pegged you for a troll at RA. I know you wanted to be a shitlord. Lots of people wanted to be astronauts, but it just didn't work out for them either. Better luck next time cumchugger.

thetruthword said...

I will be spreading this message far.

God's rules must be followed.

youneedmercy said...

.....you know, all the rules except the ones in Leviticus that we conveniently ignore, like the one banning cotton-polyester blends. God was just being silly.

Fred Phelps said...

I just wanted to let youneedmercy know that I am actually gay. I'm sorry but after some very deep thinking and reflection, I have come to the conclusion that the only reason that I was so vocally against homosexuality is that I was ashamed of my own homosexuality. I like it up the butt and that is OK. Be like me youneedmercy. Take it up the pooper. You will know the truth and the truth shall make you pee. I mean free.

youneedmercy said...

Okay, I admit it--all this hate actually stems from my latent homosexual tendencies. As soon as I figured it out, I ran to the nearest gay bar and took it up the pooper for long hours from many hot guys. :)

god said...

It's true, I saw him. Youneedmercy was a veeeeeeery naughty boy!!!

Not that there's anything wrong with that! ;)

Pat Robertson said...

You guys were gay all along too? Well, I guess that means I can finally blossom from my cocoon into the rainbow-coloured butterfly I always wanted to be.

Since we're all free and honest with each other now, I'd better reveal a few things about myself that I used to be too ashamed to admit. Remember when I leg-lifted 2000 pounds? That was to get my bum nice and pert because subconsciously I was still looking to attract a man. And the Twin Towers? Yes, there was a conspiracy to blow it up. I would never have admitted it at the time, but I just wanted to see all those hunky firemen hauling each other around and flexing and sweating.

Lisa W. said...

I can honestly say I have never seen "bible" spelled "Buy Bull" before and I absolutely LOVE it...how appropriate. Thanks for my chuckle of the night, Choobus.

Choobus said...

Lisa, I didn't make it up. Much as I would like to take the credit, I got it from the forums on the Raving Atheist, although I don't remember from whom.

Brad89 said...

YNM wrote:
"I will be spreading this message far.

God's rules must be followed."

Wow. I realize now how stupid I have been.

Well, lets see...

Build a tabernacle facing East... CHECK.

Find some dude named Aaron and make him the priest...
CHECK.

All I need now is an Altar with a bloodcatcher. YNM, you got a Ram?

Anonymous said...

Choobus, if you want to be persuasive to the unwashed masses, you need to drop the ridicule.

Your common sense explanations often require that early Christians were morons. (Hey, this guy tricked us with the food, lets carry him off to make him our KING!)

Under penalty of persecution and death the Church grew by invitation, not coercion. Truth or lies, people don't risk their lives for nothing. They get something back or they don't take the risk.

Until you understand what they were invited to receive and what they intended to gain, giving their life is going to seem moronic to you.

- Forrest

The Judge said...

Have you checked out YNM's "blog?"

Little cunt doesn't like having anonymous posters - though he didn't seem to mind taking full advantage of Chooblog in this way.

Typical xian - contradictory and bigotted.

What an uber-cunt.

The Judge said...

Forrest, what makes you think Choobus wants to be persuasive?

Personally, it's so much more fun to just rip the royal piss out of retarded, moronic religidiots for their unjustifiable beliefs.

Facehammer said...

Ridicule is the most effective form of debate anyway.

"Under penalty of persecution and death the Church grew by invitation, not coercion."

OH, I GUESS ALL THAT PERSECUTION WAS OK THEN

How many years was it before the churches started destroying pagan temples? Who burned down the library of Alexandia again? It's really worrying how little christians know about the early history of their cult.

Jimmie Walker said...

Dynomite!

Anonymous said...

Go to hell with the fags, muslims, and unbaptized babies Choobus!

kirk cameron said...

Why do all my posts explaining how gay I am mysteriously disappear?

I like it IN THE POOPER, by the way.

The Judge said...

Anonymous fucking cunt said...
Go to hell with the fags, muslims, and unbaptized babies Choobus!

But what about the Taoists, Confucianists, Buddhists, Zen Buddhists, Hindus, Baha'i, Catholics, Protestants, Presbyterians, Episcopalians, Methodists, Baptists, Congregationalists, Unitarians, Lutherans, Fundamentalists, Jews, Calvinists, Seventh Day Adventists, Creationists, Secular Humanists, Christian Scientists, Unitarians, Quakers, Existentialists, Stoics, Hedonists, Mormons, Wiccans, Scientologists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Hare Krishnas, Rastafarians, Zoroastrians, Atheists, Nihilists and of course the Satanists?

Why just gay people and muslims?

Open your eyes to the plurality of the "god" phenomenon and conclude,e as only a rational human can, that none of these can be right.

BTW - babies???...seriously???????.....

YNM, you are one sick muthafucking cunt whose mother I would very much liked to have shot in the face to prevent her from spawning this thing with no high school education that bashes a keyboard in order to spew unjustified inhuman vitriol.

You know what, I sincerely hope there is a hell - cos you, you fucking cunt, are going straight there where the deepest, darkest, stankiest cess pool will be reserved for dipping your burning lacerated flesh into so that you can slowly choke on raw sewage effluent you fucking scum-sucking, shit-sucking, dad-wanking, christ-punching looser fucking cunt.

Just hurry up, die and rid this world of your useless hate. Go lick your god’s arsehole if you love "him" so much and fuck off while you’re doing it.

The Judge said...

Ya know what - I don't care if that was YNM of not...it felt gooooooood

Brad89 said...

Well, I have yet to recieve an answer. YNM, do you HAVE A FUCKING RAM? I need to burn the thing for my sin offering. Hurry up, I could die tomorrow for all I know!!!

Anonymous said...

Repeant! Or burn in hell forever with the aborted babies. God loves you, but he will also kill you.

god said...

That's only half true. I most certainly do [b]not[/b] love you.

Have a nice day! :)

--God

Anonymous said...

What a mess this place is. Too many anonymousessesseses. Cleanup on Aisle 9.

Lurker

The Judge said...

Just click on the "other" button (you know, the one between "Blogger" and "Anonymous" and type a fuckin name.

It's REALLY not that hard people.

Lurker said...

Thanks, Courtie - I mean Judgie - you're a pal. *

* Props to Stooge #3, Curly, in "Disorder in the Court"

4thgeneration said...

"THE RESSURECTION:
Both Luke and Mark say that Jeebus was taken to a nearby tomb: a great place to revive a drugged bullshitter. Of course, the whole thing could simply be more made up crap, but even on the face of the text itself it don’t make no sense. My magic balls say “all signs point to bullshit.”"

Oh, dear sweet, Choob. You are such a wordsmith. The "drugged bullshitter" part in particular made me laugh until I cried. I nearly pissed myself.

provingtheatheistbad said...

This place is too good to be true. Is this a christian just trying to make atheists look worse than they already do?

This site, if real, proves Atheists are bad people.

provingalltheistsarecunts said...

Why? Cos we use naughty words like "cunt" you cunt.
Or could it be that we do the all-time "baddest" thing and slate the fictional jeebus.

Brad89 said...

Hey, YNM...

As I have now reiterated three fucking times, do you HAVE A FUCKING RAM? I need to dish out my sin offering! I've accepted god into my heart already, but I don't want to die and go to hell now! He told me to burn the ram! I don't have one! What the hell am I to do?

Well, answer me fucker!

The Judge said...

The only "ram" YNM knows is the feeling of his/her dad's cock being shoved up their arse.

I'd give it a rest, YNM is too brain dead to reply

The Judge said...

All that dad-wanking, shit-sucking and gay anal sex has tired him out.

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