A blog of infinite Choobism, and thence of incredible awesomeness.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

my farts smell like a sunrise

Imagine a disheveled and filthy hobo (FH) approaches you, a normal person (NP) on the street:

FH: My farts smell like a sunrise

NP: What? Get out of my way you rancid fool.

FH: Seriously, my farts smell like a beautiful sunrise. Take a whiff.

NP: I shall do no such thing. Now, be off with you, lest I give you a thrashing you won’t soon forget.

FH: Dude, you don’t know what you’re missing. This is soooooo good. Here take this and breathe in.

NP: What the buggery bollocks is that?

FH: It’s a plastic tube. It goes all the way up my ass, so you can get a good sampling from the source. Have a chug.

NP: I’ve never heard of anything so vile in all my life.

FH: Typical. How can you say that unless you try it? Once you go crack, you’ll never go back. I mean it, this will change your life.

NP: I dare say it would, by destroying my olfactory senses and rendering my mind unstable.

FH: No way dude, I’m totally serious, my farts are like the breathe of god. You have to take a drag, otherwise you’ll never know the love of the creator.

NP: Because I prefer not to inhale the gaseous emissions of your digestive system?

FH: The lord is everywhere, even in my ass. But my farts are special. I cut the one true cheese, and you are a fool if you won’t at least take a look and see the good news for yourself.

NP: I find it a bit strange that your farts supposedly smell so good, while the rest of your carcass emits a pervasive and rank odour. Indeed, this leads me to conclude that you are not being entirely honest, or at least that your brain works only in a limited capacity.

FH: My farts smell like a sunrise.

NP: I know, you said that already. By the way, I wasn’t aware that there was any particular smell associated with a sunrise. What does a sunrise smell like?

FH: My farts.

NP: Of course.

FH: you have to check it out. If you don’t your immoral soul is in danger

NP: Don’t you mean immortal?

FH: I know what I mean. You are evil, that’s why you don’t want to inhale the lord’s goodness.

NP: That really isn’t the reason, and if you don’t stop waving that disgusting ass tube in my face you’ll regret it.

FH: See how the presence of God angers you. Evil doer. Evil doer.

NP: It’s the presence of stank that angers me, by which I mean you of course.

FH: Inhale and be saved. What have you got to lose?

NP: My lunch, not to mention self respect and dignity. The idea of sucking your ass gas out of a plastic tube solely because you insist that it smells like a sunrise and is the breathe of god is beyond absurd. You can’t honestly think that any rational human being would entertain the notion.

FH: That’s where you’re wrong sinner. There are hundreds of wise people who have smelled the lord. Not everyone wants to go to hell.

NP: You lie. No normal person would willingly accede to such a vile practice.

FH: I speak the truth. My farts smell like a sunrise, and taste of eternal life. Don’t you want eternal life?

NP: What, smelling your ass for all eternity? No thanks. I’ll be more than happy to pass on into oblivion if that’s the alternative.

FH: For you the alternative is hell, where your nether regions are the playthings of twisted demons.

NP: Meh, compared to bum sucking that doesn’t seem so bad.

FH: Go then sinner, but know this: the lord came to you through me. The lord offered you to drinketh from his cup through me. The lord offered you eternal life in heaven through me, but you denied him. You turned away his light, and refused the sunrise farts of the holy guff, and for that you will be cast out.

NP: Ok, I’ll write that down when I get back to my home, where I live.

FH: and one other thing evil doer.

NP: yes?

FH: Can you spare a dollar for a cup of tea guv?

Monday, May 14, 2007


You may have seen some of this retarded gibberish around, on cars or worn by slack jawed christ punching sheeple. These jeetards seem to think that it is a good idea to bring the absurd nature of their holy crap to the attention of others. Why? Well, that’s a good question, inasmuch as any question related to christologists can be good (other than “where did they all go?).

You don’t see NAMBLA members putting stickers on their cuntwagons: “Not of this generation” or perhaps “He has risen, thanks to Viagra”. Admittedly they have to save their money to pay for their Bangkok child rape jaunts, but still one can’t help but think that perhaps, deep down, they are actually ashamed of their filthy predilections. Not so with the god botherers: they flaunt their ignorance with extreme pride because they are sofa king stupid. Too dumb to know how dumb they are, and victims of one of the biggest cons in human history. To say that those sporting the NOTW paraphernalia are huge assholes is an insult to Goatse. Indeed, non-christified people would rather have their vehicles decorated by Tub Girl (in her own inimitable way) than the buy-bull waving imbeciles at NOTW. Moreover, it has not escaped my attention that a disproportionate number of these cumchuggers drive absurdly large pick up trucks or SUV’s. It’s almost as though they were not satisfied with being ordinary arseclowns, and decided that they simply had to find a way to become mega-arseclowns. One can immediately see that the NOTW store targets losers by looking at the “models” they chose to tout their tacky crap.

These aspiring dorks are most likely typical of the sort of cunt they are after. As always, anything with the Jeebus touch has two main goals: to get money from and to indoctrinate as many tards as possible. Thus, in addition to charging rip off prices for cheap shite (fuck helping the poor, that’s not the Christian way) the good old boys at c28 (the NOTW parent company) are just waiting to force some Christology deep up as many assholes as they can, as is evidenced by this colossal tripe culled from their wanksite.

"We all need Jesus because God loves us, has plans for us and wants a direct relationship with us. The Holy Bible tells us we need Jesus because without Him there is no access to God, no eternal life, no peace nor purpose. To have a relationship with God, we must first understand man is born with a big problem. The big problem is sin and sin separates us from a Holy God. But do not fear, God loves us, is merciful and has provided a way out for us. <>
Have you ever taken anything that does not belong to you? Have you ever exaggerated the truth? Have you ever hated anyone? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have already broken one of the Ten Commandments (and there is [sic] still seven more Commandments to go through). The Holy Bible teaches us that the due penalty of breaking any of the Ten Commandments is judgment (death in Hell).
In concluding [sic], Jesus died and rose on the third day conquering death so those who believe in Him may also live forever in eternity with Him and God. The forgiveness of our sins comes through the greatest gift to mankind, the undeserved grace through Jesus Christ! Why? Because He loves us and wants us to live a full and complete life on this earth and in heaven!!!”

I find it rather surprising that exaggerating the truth will get you a one way ticket to hell since the entire basis for the christian scam is exaggerating what is probably a lie. Still, if christology made sense to me it would be all I could do to mash the keyboard with my palms and drool on the mouse, and I would not therefore be able to write this. Certainly the whole “krazee krist died for our sins, even though he didn’t really die” continues to make NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL. For those of us who have not been brainwashed it may be impossible to understand what they are trying to say. In a land where the churches are full and the libraries are empty there really is no reason to make their lies coherent or sensible. The details of the religion are quite irrelevant. It is adherence to orders that matter, not the order of the coherence. In this milieu there is obviously only one way to reel in more faithfools; you have to make jeetardation look cool, and that can only be achieved with the ultra stylish garments and other shit offered by the cumchugging spastic raping con merchants at NOTW. As you may have guessed, I am not a Christian, but Jesus H Christ those outfits are so fucking cool I just have to get some.

hey dude, you can play with your balls
if you wear these awesome pants

I have wankers cramp in both of my arms
but it was totally worth it

hey baby, do you wanna see my abstinence pledge?
it's tattooed on my firm young ass

Oh shit biyatch! Now my wankers cramp is even worse

Good day to you sir. I am a christian twat.

You have to give these guys credit: it's not easy making christ punching look even more retarded than it already does without going nuclear and pulling a Phelps, or going the full Robertson. Anything that helps to highlight the unbelievable fecal futility of religious thought is a good thing, unless it explodes or something.