A blog of infinite Choobism, and thence of incredible awesomeness.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

From the Pen of George W Bush

As many of you may remember Mahmood Ahmadi-Najad, the president of Iran, sent Dubya a demented letter some time ago. Political pundits claimed that there would be no response because the letter was completely outside of the usual diplomatic protocals, but it turns out that the president has only just finished reading it. A male prostitute (who cannot be named) with very high level access in the whitehouse has leaked the presidents reply exclusively to CHOOBLOG. It is expected that his hand written letter will undergo some polishing by staff members before it is released, but the original is perhaps more interesting in that it allows a glimpse into the mind of the president, without the usual whitehouse spin.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Praise be to Allah

Muslims can praise allah every time they drop a load with my new Jizzlam Shit Rag (copyright pending).

I thought about including verses from the koran, but then I remembered how much muslims love cartoons, so I opted instead for a cheeky raghead character. Just imagine all the hilarious arse adventures he with have! This amazing new product will make worship as enjoyable as dropping the kids off at the pool. Don't take my word for it though, just look at these 100% genuine testimonials, that I did not make up.

Wow! Shitting and praising Allah has never been so convenient
greatmuslim 10

I just had a new rotatable toilet installed in my jet so I could shit facing mecca, and this is the only tp I will ever use.
Al mahmoud Jalfrezi

Holy Shit! My asshole has never been closer to god.
Ali Baba

If dumping my ass candy directly onto Allah's greatness is wrong, I don't wanna be right
Mohammed bin Raider

Friday, July 21, 2006

Bumper Stickers: a warning

If you want people you don’t know to understand what a total Muppet you are without the bother of talking to them what better way is there than putting a few bumper stickers on your car. The best part is, it doesn’t make any difference what the sticker says, because they all say the same thing: I am a cunt. Sometimes they say other things as well. Bush-Cheney: I am a super cunt. Jesus is love: please ram me off the road, because I am a cunt. There is only one thing worse, and that is, of course, the Jesus fish. In the event of an accident the driver of a car with a Jesus fish should automatically be held responsible, even of the other driver was drunk and getting a blow job from a hooker while speeding the wrong way down a one way street in a stolen car, ordering a pizza on his cell phone. After all, is not this driver merely the instrument of God’s will?

And the Darwin fish isn’t much better. The intent might be infinitely more sensible, but really, what’s the point? No matter what faction you align yourself with by virtue of your vehicular adornments there will always be plenty of other drivers around who don’t agree with you, so why advertise your difference? The security of the steel cocoon (probably aluminium actually) clearly emboldens many weasel faced motorists, otherwise there would be a lot more radical activists around. As it is, gutless shitsuckers cover their absurdly large cars with all sorts of crap (free Tibet, pro-life, pro-choice, pro-hockey, support nambla and so on) but as soon as they become pedestrians they keep very quiet.

As you may know, I presently live in southern California, and so I have observed some other cartards that may not be familiar to those outside the United States. I refer to really big or really small wheels. Some people find it necessary to install an entirely new suspension system on their giant trucks so that they can have a 15 foot tall pick up truck with 40 inch wheels. Why? Zeuss only knows. If the intent is to look like a total fucking assclown, then mission accomplished. Some people like to go the other way and put on very tiny wheels so that their piece of shit cars (which they usually are) are practically scrapping the ground. I imagine they must drive around with sticks so they can push themselves off if they get stuck on a speed bump. And the flames. My god, the flames! Adding stickers of faux flames is strangely popular despite the obvious absurdity. When coupled with an oversized rear spoiler phony wildfire makes it possible to make a Honda civic look like an even bigger joke than it does when it rollsof the production line.

All of these things are beyond my ken, and my Barbie. Why go out of your way to look like an arsehole? That’s like going to an upscale wedding in acid wash jeans: there’s just no reason for it. Here are a few I’ve seen recently.

My child was on the honour roll at shithead elementary So fucking what? What am I supposed to do, follow you home so I can meet this amazing kid? Throw some money at you so you can start a college fund and send the mother fucker to Harvard? And what does it take to get on the honour roll at shithead elementary? Show up without a gun? Fucking ridiculous.

Baby on board No mate, arsehole on board.

It’s a JEEP thing, you wouldn’t understand. No, I wouldn’t understand because I’m not a fucking dildo. It’s a dildo thing, I don’t want to understand.

Just give me my coffee and nobody gets hurt. Don’t count on it shithead. If you think this is in any way amusing there are probably a lot of people who frequently think about beating your face in, in a violent and prolonged manner.

If you can read this, your [sic] way too close! That’s one possibility. Another is that I have normal eyesight and I know how to read, and contract you are.

I support our troops Really? Using a gallon of fuel to get a pint of milk? Seems like you really support Halliburton, you phony fuck.

There is only one bumper sticker that is not evidence of wankosity: The sort you get when you or a relative works for the police. It gives ruffians pause for thought, and no doubt prevents tickets for all but the most egregious offences. That makes sense. Announcing to everyone you can that you’re a cunt; that really doesn’t make a lot of sense. Still, whoever said that cunts are sensible?

Thursday, July 20, 2006


To debate or not to debate?

Imagine you’re walking down the street and a filthy hobo approaches you, a manky looking cap in his outstretched hand evidencing his intention. Being a decent sort you give the repulsive tramp some green, and he then starts confiding in you. He tells you a story involving alien abduction, anal probing and time travel. Would you stop and argue with this rancid denizen of the streets, or dismiss his tall tale out of hand? Would it be a judicious use of your time and effort to research his story in order to refute it? Unless you are some sort of retard, the answer to this is obviously no. Why then do we treat the hobo’s of intellectualism (that is, theists) with such respect? What is the point debating religiots when the entire basis of their position can be summed up as “I have faith”? The stinking bin raider also has faith, faith that his diseased arsehole was inspected by E.T in a spaceship, but his demented rambling is given short shrift by all but the mentally ill.

Some people with a lot of patience don’t mind amusing themselves by arguing with theists. Indeed, some Christ-punchers can be quite ingenious in their convoluted attempts to justify the unjustifiable. I can’t be arsed with such bollocks though. As far as I’m concerned there is no difference between arguing about God with religiots and explaining to a 19 year old why the tooth he put under his pillow was still there in the morning instead of cash. Fuck that shit. And it doesn’t much matter if it’s Jeebus lovers, followers of Jizzlam, branch Davidians or any flavour of god bothering spooge slurper. They are all full of the same shit and getting caught up in the details of their retarded religions is a complete waste of time. Not only that, it takes away precious time that could be better used watching porn. Discussing the details of Jesus’ life is as useful as trying to figure out whether or not Shaft really was so complicated that nobody understood him but his woman.

It’s not that theists are all idiots; it’s just that they won’t shut the fuck up about god. And I can’t even begin to count the number of Sundays I have wasted because of fucking Jesus. Not from going to church or anything: I’m not retarded. I’m talking about having to spend the day sleeping or something because the pub is closed. And why the fuck do they think it’s a good idea to go round to people’s houses and start talking shit about god? Imagine if homosexuals went door to door to spread the good news about spreading the arse cheeks, or if middle aged nerds dressed up in costumes came round and started talking klingon. It’s not even as if Jeebus is all that. McGyver could have done the same shit armed only with a piece of string and a packet of chewing gum.

Yet somehow these stupid mother fuckers are convinced that they are onto something. Why? Fuck knows. Maybe Cal is right and they have the Christ psychosis. Maybe they are just wankers. All I know is that I would rather coat my enormous schlong in honey and face fuck a grizzly bear than “debate” with religiots.

Arseholes Anonymous

Alcoholics anonymous: cult or crock?

The simple answer is that it’s both a crock of shit and a cult. The friends of Bill are usually hopeless losers: exactly the type of people who need the booze. Imagine how awful it would be to wake up every day and have to remember what a worthless fuck you are. This is why booze is so great, and that’s why these pikey fuckers should be gulping it down, just like the good old days. But they do not. “AA saves lives” some whining Christ puncher will probably say. Does it fuck. It’s just a cult, and it uses standard cult tactics to make sure that some ex-drunks can experience some power by lording it over some other alcoholics. The guy who cleans portable toilets may seem like a disgusting shit scrubber to you, but if he’s been on the wankers wagon for 10 years he is like a god to the other acolytes at the AA meeting. They hold alcohol over you like the pint of Damocles, threatening you with absurd stories about things they used to do before they bent over and allowed a “higher power” to fuck them in the arse and drop a mammoth load of self righteousness. And, like all good cults, they have a special book of bollocks: the big book of bullshit. And let’s not forget the 12 steps: a fine tool of indoctrination, with a proven success when it comes to indoctrinating tools.

Perhaps the biggest lie told by arseholes anonymous is that it is not a religious group. Where do they hold most of their fucking meetings? IN FUCKING CHURCHES THAT’S WHERE. What is this higher power if it isn’t god? Is it the stockmarket? Even if your brain is soaked in gin this ploy is pretty easy to see through. Pretending that there is no religion in AA is like saying you only read penthouse for the articles, and saying it while simultaneously masturbating furiously. If you happen to be one of these people who will actually die if you don’t stop drinking then you should do some time in prison. If you actually want to continue living (and lets face it, for these losers that’s not always the best option) why the fuck would you let a group of self confessed losers be responsible for your life? It’s fucking retarded. That’s like asking Michael Jackson to baby-sit.

“But it works” the same whining prick will probably say. Does it? Maybe if you are willing to become a jeebus zombie and start acting like a cunt, you can give up the booze for a few years. It’s not fucking worth it. I’d rather drink myself into the grave than hang out with such pathetic pikey bastards. A sober drunk is the worst of both worlds. They are as boring as the bible and just as self righteous, and (for some reason) generally ugly mother fuckers as well. No thanks man. If you really can’t drink anymore, there’s always weed, or crack. Anything is better than turning into a friend of Bill. You try and find a more pathetic specimen than a chain smoking haggard ex alcoholic who likes nothing more than getting a late night phone call from someone he is “sponsoring” so he can feel like the big man and offer useless platitudes. Compared to them, broke down crack whores are like elegant debutantes.

If you read this and you believe you have a problem with alcohol, here is my advice to you: Stop being such a pussy. That’s the real problem, too many pussies.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

If you are reading this then you are not me, which means you are quite probably a cunt of some sort, or possibly a shitsucking dad wanker. There is a small chance that this is not so, but I see no reason to deal with matters of vanishingly small probability. In any case, the important point to understand is that I am much better than you, and any opinions you may hold that conflict with mine are undoubtedly as wrong as wrong can be.

Anyway, the internets have served us well as the ultimate repository of porn, but finally they have another use. Not only am I unbelievably awesome, but I am also seriously fucking generous, and as such I have decided to share my great wisdom with you, even though you in no way deserve it. While extensive though, my generosity is not unlimited, so don’t be pestering me with your pathetic problems or suggesting any stupid subjects for me to comment on. I don’t want to hear any of it. Anything you can think of is almost guaranteed to be shit, and if it isn’t I have already thought of it. Having said that, I am always keen to hear from ladies, especially if they like to drink from the furry cup; and if you want to send me filthy disgusting pictures of a sexual nature then you go right ahead and get it out of your system. No mingers though. Seriously.

This Chooblog has been created to fill a void. Not a fishy void, but rather one of sarcastic amusement as used to be provided by the Raving Atheist, before he turned into a mealy mouthed christ punching fop. Perhaps there is some logical reason for the RA’s descent into abject wankosity, but if there is I don’t know what the buggery bollocks it is, and I don’t fucking care either. If by his actions shall ye know him then I know he’s been jesusified, and that isn’t right. I pity the fool who accepts a fictional dead Jewish cocksmoker as their personal lord and saviour. If you don’t know who the Raving Atheist is then fucking google the bastard, assclown.

So, this is merely an announcement. The Chooblog is here, and unless I lose interest in it (which is quite possible) it will remain. Yes, it may be horrid in parts, but that’s life. I sincerely hope that everyone who reads this hates it.