A blog of infinite Choobism, and thence of incredible awesomeness.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Bumper Stickers: a warning


If you want people you don’t know to understand what a total Muppet you are without the bother of talking to them what better way is there than putting a few bumper stickers on your car. The best part is, it doesn’t make any difference what the sticker says, because they all say the same thing: I am a cunt. Sometimes they say other things as well. Bush-Cheney: I am a super cunt. Jesus is love: please ram me off the road, because I am a cunt. There is only one thing worse, and that is, of course, the Jesus fish. In the event of an accident the driver of a car with a Jesus fish should automatically be held responsible, even of the other driver was drunk and getting a blow job from a hooker while speeding the wrong way down a one way street in a stolen car, ordering a pizza on his cell phone. After all, is not this driver merely the instrument of God’s will?

And the Darwin fish isn’t much better. The intent might be infinitely more sensible, but really, what’s the point? No matter what faction you align yourself with by virtue of your vehicular adornments there will always be plenty of other drivers around who don’t agree with you, so why advertise your difference? The security of the steel cocoon (probably aluminium actually) clearly emboldens many weasel faced motorists, otherwise there would be a lot more radical activists around. As it is, gutless shitsuckers cover their absurdly large cars with all sorts of crap (free Tibet, pro-life, pro-choice, pro-hockey, support nambla and so on) but as soon as they become pedestrians they keep very quiet.

As you may know, I presently live in southern California, and so I have observed some other cartards that may not be familiar to those outside the United States. I refer to really big or really small wheels. Some people find it necessary to install an entirely new suspension system on their giant trucks so that they can have a 15 foot tall pick up truck with 40 inch wheels. Why? Zeuss only knows. If the intent is to look like a total fucking assclown, then mission accomplished. Some people like to go the other way and put on very tiny wheels so that their piece of shit cars (which they usually are) are practically scrapping the ground. I imagine they must drive around with sticks so they can push themselves off if they get stuck on a speed bump. And the flames. My god, the flames! Adding stickers of faux flames is strangely popular despite the obvious absurdity. When coupled with an oversized rear spoiler phony wildfire makes it possible to make a Honda civic look like an even bigger joke than it does when it rollsof the production line.

All of these things are beyond my ken, and my Barbie. Why go out of your way to look like an arsehole? That’s like going to an upscale wedding in acid wash jeans: there’s just no reason for it. Here are a few I’ve seen recently.

My child was on the honour roll at shithead elementary So fucking what? What am I supposed to do, follow you home so I can meet this amazing kid? Throw some money at you so you can start a college fund and send the mother fucker to Harvard? And what does it take to get on the honour roll at shithead elementary? Show up without a gun? Fucking ridiculous.

Baby on board No mate, arsehole on board.

It’s a JEEP thing, you wouldn’t understand. No, I wouldn’t understand because I’m not a fucking dildo. It’s a dildo thing, I don’t want to understand.

Just give me my coffee and nobody gets hurt. Don’t count on it shithead. If you think this is in any way amusing there are probably a lot of people who frequently think about beating your face in, in a violent and prolonged manner.

If you can read this, your [sic] way too close! That’s one possibility. Another is that I have normal eyesight and I know how to read, and contract you are.

I support our troops Really? Using a gallon of fuel to get a pint of milk? Seems like you really support Halliburton, you phony fuck.

There is only one bumper sticker that is not evidence of wankosity: The sort you get when you or a relative works for the police. It gives ruffians pause for thought, and no doubt prevents tickets for all but the most egregious offences. That makes sense. Announcing to everyone you can that you’re a cunt; that really doesn’t make a lot of sense. Still, whoever said that cunts are sensible?

24 comments:

Anonymous said...

stick to criticizing gods. When you branch out your shit scans like second string Maddox.

joshbowling said...

A++++

I support our troops Really? Using a gallon of fuel to get a pint of milk? Seems like you really support Halliburton, you phony fuck.

DrunkMonkey said...

It does sound alot like Maddox, though that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Choobus said...

Fuck you anonymous, I'll say whatever the hell I want.

Anonymous said...

We need another Maddox. He never updates these days

HomoCyclist said...

I agree with you Choobus. I have a 'decent' car with no stickers on it, and an 'indecent' TRUCK with tons of cycling stickers on it. But only two of them are not related to my favorite sport, and they say:
1. yeah I'm a bitch...so what?
and next to this one, the 2nd. one says:
2. Ask me if I care...

HomoCyclist said...

I would like to have a huge sticker to announce the whole world I am an Atheist, but I am afraid I might not come back home...AT ALL!
You know?, these crazed Christians get carried away with their toy guns...hehehe...

Anonymous said...

I guess my point was that you seemed not to put as much of your usual clever vitriol into the post. I enjoy you spraying shit mist all over the comment boards at the irrelavant atheist and thought you could have taken more time with the composition. But it's not my blog and I am often less cogent than I want to have been.

Choobus said...

Anonymous, well, I don't despise bumper stickers as much as I do religon, so maybe the hate just isn't there. I see your point.

HomoCyclist said...

The worst sticker of all:

----The Jesus fish.


The best sticker of all:

----I am a bitch....so what?

Is there another Choobist that has any other sticker preference, or am I the only Choobist atheist cartard here?

Noah Nywno said...

I WOULD put bumper stickers on my car, but I'm pretty sure my grandfather would return from the grave and drop kick me in the back of the head.

He HATED seeing cars with bumper stickers on them.

Lisa W. said...

I guess I'm a Darwin fish c**t! :)
I plan on being a FSM c**t very soon, too...

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I agree it reads like Maddox. Not that that's a bad thing. Maddox was hilarious in his prime. He never updates anymore, sadly. :(

HomoCyclist said...

lisa w,
What's the meaning of FSM? -I know the c**t part-.

emr said...

HomoCy:

FSM = Flying Spaghetti Monster

Have you been touched by his noodly appendage? ;)

Anonymous said...

I've got a Darwin fish and a Jinx sticker. When I get done painting my car, I'm getting some Landover Baptist stickers. :D

P.S. - This post is by Areku..I can't remember my password to log in!

Lisa W. said...

homocyclist, check out the Flying Spaghetti Monster. My two teenagers are having a blast reading "the gospel". It's a hoot.

dionysuscried said...

I think the most all time shit-lordian expression of vehicular douchebaggery would have to be the hanging balls from the trailer hitch on the monstrously oversize trucks.

Brad89 said...

"And what does it take to get on the honour roll at shithead elementary? Show up without a gun? Fucking ridiculous."

Thats fucking hilarious!

I wouldn't doubt for a second that's the case in some cities. Funny how they're probably Christians, too.

Anonymous said...

Sadly I must admit that I do have 5 stickers on my car. 2 on each side and 1 on the rear window (so I can remove it cleanly).
The one on the rear is a small decal with the name of the company I work for on it and one of the stickers on each side is a smaller version. I realy like my job and beleive in the company I work for.
I also have a terapass sticker on each side of the car. Even with Choobus's eyesite these would be a streach to read without walking up to the car while parked.

Anonymous said...

shoot... meant to sign that
-Realityhack

Newport Vanderhaden said...

I will proudly go one wearing my bumper stickers! They praise Jesus and the godly, well-to-do, upper-class, whom Jesus has blessed.

May you and your poor unsaved puke go to Hell!

Newport Vanderhaden.

TurdWithTourettes said...

Those "My child is on the honor roll" bumper stickers are for the children, not for you. If someone wants to convert their vehicle into a mobile version of the refrigerator door, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference whether you like it or not. Part of being a good parent is making a big deal of your children's accomplishments. I only hope the flying spaghetti monster hasn't cursed any children with you as their father.

Anonymous said...

I must admit as a 50 something Englishman I don't fully GET your website but hell!! it's powerfull!!