A blog of infinite Choobism, and thence of incredible awesomeness.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Religon and the Central mystery.



If you are a thoughtful type of person, the type of person who thinks NASCAR sucks arse and reading is fun, you have probably contemplated the great wonders and mysteries of existence. Moreover, you have probably asked yourself what I call the “central mystery”: not “why do chicks dig assholes?” but rather “why is there something instead of nothing?” This question, or some variant of it, has probably led to a lot of people turning to religion, and, sadly, a lesser number of people to turn to science. (Why think for yourself when you can have faith?)


It is perfectly true to say that science cannot answer this question. It may be unanswerable, or it may not even be a valid question to begin with. It is also true to say that as humans we have gone from sacrificing children to pacify the spirits and ensure a good harvest to having a pretty good description of how the entire universe grew from the very first instants after the big bang. In only 70 years we went from the first flying machines to the moon. The computer revolution has changed the world in a few decades, to the point that there was genuine fear that the YK2 glitch was going to be the end of the world. Doctors can take your heart out of your body and put in a new one, or they can poke around in your brain, all without killing you (most of the time). And in the face of all this most of the humans in the world choose to obey old men in silk dresses and an invisible sky bastard. Why?

The marvels of modern science and technology are impressive, but often they fail to address the real cause of many basic human needs. Questions that are very simple to ask but impossibly difficult to answer remain. What is consciousness? How did the universe come into existence? What is life? Why won’t Joan Rivers die? These questions, and many more, lead some to turn to religion. After all, who could better explain such things than a Jewish Zombie and his gay lovers, or a child molesting Arab merchant from the past? The problem is, all religions are a scam. They have nothing to offer that you can’t find in the average septic tank.

Priests or Imams or any of the other self styled truth merchants have no more actual knowledge about these central mysteries than anyone else, and yet they expect people to believe that only they know what the creator of all things wants from us. Does He want you to move a pedophile priest from parish to parish so he can continue his molestation for decades? Apparently he does, because the same people who tell us the word of God also told him to go to therapy and knock it off. Does He want you to murder innocent women and children because you don’t like what a foreign government is doing? Naturally, it stands to reason. Taking advice from these colossal hypocrites is like holding AA meetings in a bar. Brainwashing aside, the type of personality that can stand for this incredible lying must already be severely flawed. At what point do you stand back and say NO! You are wrong! If murder and child rape isn’t enough for you then you are truly one of the chosen ones. Chosen to suck shit that is.

Where do theological scholars enrich the totality of human knowledge? They might know everything there is to know about Aramaic, and the proper way to wipe shit off an ancient bible, but their knowledge of reality is useless to anyone who doesn’t buy their particular religion. Why hasn’t god told these clerics some powerful truth about nature or our existence that would enlighten us and bring us closer to his wonder? He has you say? Has he fuck. Every known religion is demonstrably based on some earlier one, and if you trace it all back far enough you will probably end up with some freakishly strong caveman making all the caveladies worship his cock. Not much has changed.

The church is concerned with our souls? In Boston maybe, but they are really concerned with our obedience and money. Why should an impoverished cab driver in MA give money he needs to feed his family to pay 0.05% of the cost of a new hat for the pope? And we all know where that mosque moolah is going. And what do these people do to earn these? They warn you that if you don’t obey you will be tortured and burned for all eternity. That’s the stick, where’s the carrot? There is no carrot. Your priest might be sticking one up a choir boy’s bum, but he’s got nothing for you. No truth, no knowledge, no insights, and no fucking clue about the central mysteries.

So what are they, really? Are they simply con merchants? Not quite, a lot of them actually believe their own bullshit, but they also know that their faith is crucial to accepting the religion as a truth instead of a possibility. They won’t admit that because they know how easy faith is to shake. And rightly so. It’s like a 2000 year old sit-com where the web of lies just keeps growing and growing until nobody can even remember who farted on the vicar, what time the boss is coming to dinner or if it is ok to masturbate on the bus. It’s a giant pyramid scheme, selling shit to the sheeple. Shit dressed up as truth still makes you gag if you can recognize it. <>
There is simply no possible to way to objectively discriminate between different religions. It’s like deciding which pimp to sell your 16 year old daughter too. Some shitgoblins try to claim that all religions are aspects of a single greater truth. Get real shitgoblins, they are just variations on a very common theme: how to manipulate weak minded fools and thereby consolidate power. And there is the added bonus of not having to worry about all those difficult questions. When “God did it” is the answer to everything the universe is easy to understand. God didn’t do poverty, rape, murder, famine or any of that other nasty stuff. That was the devil. Grr! You devil you! Will you never learn? But all the good stuff? Yeah, that was god, for sure. Let some ancient religious text show how to split the atom, or communicate via sub space, or how to combat disease or something that is actually useful to humanity. They tell you how to stone adulterers, or what sort of seed spillage is ok, or what to eat, but that’s just about it. It sure was nice of god to explain all this shit at the exact level of technology of those people with whom he was sharing his eternal instructions for life. What a super guy he must be.

Maybe there are some incredible things in the universe for us to learn about one day. Maybe they will to us, seem supernatural. Maybe there is some sort of higher plane of existence. We don’t know, and those hypocritical gold hoarding dress wearing polesmokers in the Vatican sure as fuck don’t either. And that goes for all the other religious “leaders”. Each and every single one of them is no better than Jim Jones of David Koresh, they just have a better support staff. Well, sell your shit elsewhere you lying phony’s. Humanity is growing up, and in a century or less (I hope) you will be as relevant as a sundial in a cave.

19 comments:

Smellyoldgit said...

Choob - I'm astonished. A noticable lesser amount of abuse and filth - what went wrong? You rallied in the last paragraph, but when I eventually plagarise your finest works for my forthcoming book, I'll have to insert much more filth - or my reader won't beleive it came from you ! You're approaching the Harris / Dawkins level of common sense. (PS - a couple of pictures might help)(PPS - do I get a prize for the first comment?)

Ickybod said...

Superbly written. Though it seemed to be lacking in the anal references department.
I fear that in the near future, people will be allowed to answer anything with 'God'.
743 X 291= God.
"That's right, Jimmy. Anything you don't know, just answer it with God. He knows EVERYTHING because he created everything. You can't go wrong with God!"

Anonymous said...

Good idea, icky. For example, Q. Who likes anal?
A. God.

Choobus said...

Don't worry, I haven't run out of filth. Everything I write is dictated to me by the great spirit quatzlcotli and I guess He wasn't feeling particularly crude that day (although he did give me a reacharound).

Anonymous Git said...

Don't dodge the question - where's my fucking prize ?

Choobus said...

the prize is that you get to go to hell with all the cool people. I admit it's a bit of a shit prize, especially since everyone who reads more than three words of the chooblog get the same thing, but it's better than getting fucked in the arse by ann coulter....

Satan said...

Good work Choobus. This is one of my favorite posts on the Chooblog. Keep it up.

jesus said...

Yes Choobus, this is a beautiful blog and keep it up.

psst! Don't tell the Christians about me posting here, they're too stupid to understand. I remember how I once faked my death on a cross to get them to think they were "saved." Ha, those losers will never figure it out, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

Moses said...

That's funny Jesus! I've got one of my own:

When I met god on Mount Sinai, the tablets that he gave me were actually etched with the first posts of The Chooblog, which I bogarted all for myself. I just made up those incredibly obvious commandments for the fuckers at the bottom the hill so I wouldn't have to share... last time I lent them my tablets, I had nothing to read on the shitter!

Onan said...

Oh yeah, that was a good post.

Just for the record, I wasn't actually boning my wife when I spilled my baby batter - I was off reading Chooblog in the goat fields.

Jesus said...

Gee moses, it's a shame they didn't have porno at our times.

Choobus said...

Porno is a gift from Satan.

thanks dude!

antix said...

Which is proof that Satan loves us.
God on the other hand... not so much.

Bertsura said...

Those shitgoblins don't even read their "holy" texts. That's why they're so ready to accept the "God is love" bullshit religious cumchuggers tell them.

Brad89 said...

Choobus... What hath ye done? That was, like, unbelievably freaking awesome! That's like a Thomas Paine Common Sense pamphlet for our era.

Are you sure you weren't channeling the spirit of Carl Sagan or something?

Anonymous said...

Hey Choobus! When are you going to add some new material to this awesome chooblog? Come on mate!

Anonymous said...

I though I was on the wrong Blog Choob. What happened to the profanities??? :}

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