A blog of infinite Choobism, and thence of incredible awesomeness.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Pastor Ted Haggard: HOMO











There can be no doubt that the revelation that Haggard is a gay drug fiend is quite hilarious. Indeed, making fun of this guy is just too easy, and one can hardly do a better job than has already, inadvertently, been done by those trying to minimize the impact of this incredible gift from fate. However, even as a vehement anti-gay mega church bullshitter Haggard and his ilk are really not very important. Their hateful diatribe regarding homosexuality, and morality in general, is simply the public face of a very common viewpoint. One might be tempted to think that, as the pastor of a large flock of sheeple, wankers like Haggard are particularly dangerous. However, this is not really true. They are nothing compared to loathsome pundits like Limbaugh or O’reilly. It is true that a lot of people are probably made more homophobic by the asinine drivel that is preached in the mega churches, but the same buy-bull-shit can be heard in thousands upon thousands of other smaller indoctrination centers around the country. Phelps, with his nonsensical “god hates fags” comedy routine would seem to be a direct threat to the liberties of homosexuals, but in reality he is just a sad old man with no real influence at all. Those people who stand with him would stand with anyone who told them what to do. They are typical sheeple; fools of no consequence. All of these shitgoblins are worthy of contempt, but at some level one has to feel sorry for them. How twisted must they be to rant on and on about things that don't affect them at all? In the case of Haggard, what internal hatred he must feel, to spend so much energy assailing that which he knows he is. In the words of a very wise man, I pity the fool.

A lot of normal people (atheists) sometimes say that they sort of understand the appeal of religion. The comfort it brings may be based on illusion but it can seem real just the same, and this tiny concession to the irrationality of believing in made up sky bastards helps us to understand the insanity of true believers. What then of the true believer who is denied any such comfort because his true nature as a human being is in direct conflict with the tenuous precepts of his duplicitous belief system? This way leads to mental torment of a particularly nasty variety: the self inflicted kind. Despite what the Christ punching religiots think, atheists are not automatically amused by the suffering of theists. In this particular case it is hard not to laugh. The intrinsic hypocrisy of religion in general has been beautifully revealed, as has the old adage that implies that the most vehement homophobes are probably as bent as a nine bob note themselves. Haggard has done us all a service by showcasing these truisms, but on a personal level his anguish brings me no pleasure. Ironically, some of his sheeple might even start to think that homosexuality is not wrong, if his brainwashing is powerful enough for them to still accept him. Either way, he must be frightfully ashamed, and probably even a hit of crystal meth and good asspounding will not be able to cheer him up.

Thus, I say to my fellow atheists that this hilarious event is an opportunity to demonstrate that we are not malicious lovers of schadenfreude. That being Godless does not mean we are uncharitable, and that even a loathsome bigot like Haggard can elicit sympathy on a personal level. Being without god does not in any way make us less kindly. On the contrary, since we must determine our own moral stance rather than have one arbitrarily handed to us, we own our actions in totality. We must take the blame for our transgressions, and similarly our more noble deeds must be acknowledged. This is one of the many ways that intellectual freedom, the ability and desire to think for oneself, and freedom from irrational dogmas make atheism the one true attitude.

26 comments:

Lisa W. said...

Thanks for a good laugh; I was hoping you'd offer a tidbit on this bit of juicy news.

Bacon Eating Atheist Jew said...

I refuse to be a Choobot and follow your example.

Bertsura said...

People like Haggard deserve no sympathy but then again, religion does fuck up people's minds.

Choobus said...

I don't want any choobots! I'm just saying, the dude is a pathetic sad sack. The idea of living life with all that fucked up shit seems awful to me. This is exactly why religon is such wank.

Choobus said...

By the way, sorry to those who were expecting me to tear haggard a new one. I think, under the circumstances, that would be redundent.

No need to ask him if he does anal!

There_Is said...

I think the point is to be asking Haggard why it matters to him that other men like him do anal, when he's celebrating the act himself.

Haggard, do you do honesty? Apparently he's too busy playing finger cuffs to answer :P

Anonymous said...

Homo atheists talking about homo christians.

What a sad place this is.

Professor Chaos said...

Yeah, you're a REAL man, ANONYMOUS.

Fucking coward douche.

Choobus said...

anonymous, since you won't tell us a name we will call you douchegoblin. Please use this in all further correspondence you cumchugging rent boy.

There_Is said...

Homo atheists talking about homo christians.

Spoken like a true Ted Haggard looking for anal redemption through the lord.

anya said...

I've been a atheist for like, maybe a couple months now, and I was starting to think there weren't any nice atheists out there and maybe I shouldn't be one. This is totally the nicest thing you've ever written, andnow I'm glad I don't go to church anymore.

Choobus said...

There are a lot of names directed towards me, but I've never been called "nice" before!

There_Is said...

That's the thing Choobus. You, as well as many atheists aren't really bad in any real sense. Raving on Maddox style is mere flaming, a common favorite activity of many who most enjoy it when it's understood that no physical harm results from it. However, the moment you then use such language to rationalize actual damage on another's ability to live, then you've become the cumchugging buttmuncher who deserves ridicule.

Stein master said...

Do you do anal, Chobus?

Choobus said...

bend over steinmaster and find out

HomoCyclist said...

Choobus, thank you very much for such a nice post. And yes, as anya said, you are a nice atheist Choobus.

Unlike you, Ted Haggard is a filthy christian with a lot of internal hatred. I'm glad he was revealed as the hypocrite that he is.

HomoCyclist said...

I forgot to add that these kind of hateful homos -Ted Haggard- are the ones that hurt the nice kind homosexuals like me.

JU Mike said...

With Homovind, Cuntler, and Haggass all three behind bars or atleast getting there I wonder who's the next "moral" theist nut to drop like a fly.

Professor Chaos said...

Dear anonymous,

I've got a FANTASTIC way for you to earn some money! Brush your teeth and call me.

Choobus said...

FUCK ALL THEISTS

Anonymous said...

I have never met a nice homosexual. Do they really exist?

DrunkMonkey said...

Haggard is the Highest Occupied Molecular Orbital? (Why else would you capitalize all of the letters?).

I would assume he is the HOMO in the reaction of feces, semen, and blood that reacts to form a frothy Santorum.

Choobus said...

apparantly KY is a catalyst for this reaction

Brad89 said...

This was a surprising post! I see the title, and hope to find some pure comedy! Then I find comedy, but it is tainted in a sea of atheistic morality... Oh well.

"With Homovind, Cuntler, and Haggass all three behind bars or atleast getting there I wonder who's the next "moral" theist nut to drop like a fly."

My money's on Phelps!

"I don't know any nice homosexuals. Do they really exist?"

What was the rule? Do you not remember you are to be refered to as Douschegoblin from here on out?

Hindu said...

Religion is a form of mental illness and so is giving to your buddy up the corn hole.

Hindu said...

Come to think of it, slamming your buddy up his filthy corn hole is worse than believing in an imaginary sky god.