Thank fuck Easter is over. Of all the religious holidays that bukkakke us with a giant scrotum of moron juice every year, this one has to be the most annoying. Everyone knows that Christmas has got fuck all to do with Jeebus and is really a capitalist celebration of greed and sickening songs. I don’t know what all those fucking Jewish holidays are about, but they keep pretty quiet about that shit anyway so it doesn’t really bother me. In any case, as retarded as anything to do with religion is, at least their holidays make sense in the context of a racist and psychopathic celebration of brutality and murder in the service of a cosmic fucktard. But what the fuck have rabbits and eggs got to do with a fictional jewish zombie dadwanker?
If you are going to invent the lamest story ever told, and get hundreds of different writers on board why not try and polish it up a little so that later spastics who think its all true don’t feel the need to embellish the tales with brightly coloured eggs and a shit load of chocolate. After all, by writing such a crap story to begin with you are pretty much admitting that it’s all bullshit. A powerful being who is the very definition of love is going to make me suffer for all eternity just because I spooged up on the floor? Seriously. There’s really no point making a list of all the idiotic shite in the bible. Just read the mother fucking bible, it is a list of all the idiotic shite in the bible. The best way to simulate living a truly biblical life would be to insert your head into a bull’s asshole. Nevertheless this easter thing is puerile codswallop even by the standards of the buy bull.
The best part of the bible is the crucifiction. After reading that you think “thank fuck that cunt Jesus is dead. Maybe now these wankers will stop being such arseholes”. Of course, they don’t, because the people who invented them were arseholes themselves, so what they thought were really well rounded characters are simply a reflection of their own arseholesihness. Even so, Jesus is a cunt, so I can see why nailing the little bitch up to a cross is a reason to celebrate. But then he comes back from the dead. I don’t know about you, but if I see some Jewish geezer nailed to a cross with a spear in his side and a huge wooden dildo sticking out of his arse one day, and then three days later the same bloke is walking around I’ll cut the fuckers head off. You can’t be too careful with these zombies. And it seems that Jesus is a mega zombie, because even though he is made up he is still eating peoples brains two mother fucking thousand years later.
My theory is that if the mega zombie ever returns he will be impervious to ordinary weapons. The only things that can stop him are eggs and rabbits. This is why those in the know stock up on them around easter, when he is likely to return (or so they think). When you see these fucking twats walking around with the rabbit ears on (and I don’t mean those sexy bunny babes) you probably think “what an unbelievable cunt” but they will be the ones laughing when zombie jesus is eating your brain, but staying away from them in case they really are rabbits. However, the ironic thing is that zombie jesus likes to eat brains, and these shitheads don’t have any. If he does come back and eat your brain then you will probably just end up becoming a Christian, which is a bit like getting a lobotomy. Before hand you would do anything to avoid it, but afterwards you’re too fucking stupid to know what is going on, so you can live out your pathetic life as a fuzzy headed cretin and enjoy the finer things life has to offer like bits of string, shiny things and, of course, your all loving mega cunt of a fucking god.
(Thanks to Ghoulslime for the artwork. )