Pray for Forgiveness

Forgive me assholes for I have sinned. It has been fucking ages since my last exposition. The main reason for this is that it was brought to my attention that I am just way too fucking awesome, and that it was therefore unfair on all the other bloggers and suchlike out there on the interwebs. Thus, as a gesture of my magnificent generosity, which is rivaled only by that of the federal government towards Halliburton, I decided to take a break. However, I have since realized that everyone else is a cunt, and does not deserve to be blessed by my overly philanthropic ways. Furthermore, there have been some grievous occurrences that cannot be properly understood until the proponents have been labeled shitgoblins, and properly chastised. For example, the governor of Georgia, Sonny Perdue has just this week shown that he was the right man for the job, because he is going to solve their drought using the power of prayer. When this fails I fully expect them to sue the local churches for dereliction of diety. This may not work though because it’s pretty obvious that god hates Georgia, otherwise why send a drought in the first place? This isn’t the work of the Devil because he has said “Georgia? Fuck that shit man, I aint never going back to that shithole. It’s worse than fucking Alabama, for real. Those mountain folk are the worst retards I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been hanging out with the Bush family since I met them at one of Hitler’s cocktail parties back in 1938. The entire state stinks like Jerry Falwell corpse, which I have been saving so Pat Robertson can assfuck it when he comes down to hell for his annual visit. There’s no fucking way I am going to do anything in the toilet state. Jehovah can have it”. Sonny Perdue might seem like a polesmoking nancy boy, but you have to admit, it takes balls of steel to call god out on his drought. Of course, there’s a good chance that, like most christologists, he probably doesn’t actually believe that god exists, so really all this praying is just bullshit to keep the sheeple impressed with his christiness. What a cumchugging dildo. What will they say when there is no rain? The usual shit: you can’t test the lord. He works in mysterious ways. The people did not have enough faith. And if it rains? Praise him! For he had blessed us with the glory of water magically falling from the heavens. Oh sweet and merciful god, now that you have revealed your majestic presence, is there any danger of doing something about wars and cancer and child abuse and all that other shit that sucks arse? Nah, I thought not. You pikey mother fucker. If I lived in Georgia apart from having a high chance of being a cousin fucking christ puncher, I’d probably be a bit pissed off about my tax dollars being used in such an inefficient manner. Instead of praying I would prefer to see some sort of action. If whining to god is the only plan the state can come up with then at least they could play it safe and whine to all the gods. I’d start with Poseidon since he’s got a lot of experience with this kind of shit. God does do floods, but he’s a hack and goes way overboard. And you might as well give that child raping camel fucker muhammed a go as well. His miracles are a bit wanky, and seem to revolve around raisins, but why not give the dirty bastard a chance. After all, his followers are mostly illiterate sand people so they have probably had some water complaints over the years. Probably the best plan though would be to take the hint and get the fuck out of Georgia. New Orleans might be a good place to try. They don’t have too many droughts down there.

my farts smell like a sunrise

Imagine a disheveled and filthy hobo (FH) approaches you, a normal person (NP) on the street:

FH: My farts smell like a sunrise

NP: What? Get out of my way you rancid fool.

FH: Seriously, my farts smell like a beautiful sunrise. Take a whiff.

NP: I shall do no such thing. Now, be off with you, lest I give you a thrashing you won’t soon forget.

FH: Dude, you don’t know what you’re missing. This is soooooo good. Here take this and breathe in.

NP: What the buggery bollocks is that?

FH: It’s a plastic tube. It goes all the way up my ass, so you can get a good sampling from the source. Have a chug.

NP: I’ve never heard of anything so vile in all my life.

FH: Typical. How can you say that unless you try it? Once you go crack, you’ll never go back. I mean it, this will change your life.

NP: I dare say it would, by destroying my olfactory senses and rendering my mind unstable.

FH: No way dude, I’m totally serious, my farts are like the breathe of god. You have to take a drag, otherwise you’ll never know the love of the creator.

NP: Because I prefer not to inhale the gaseous emissions of your digestive system?

FH: The lord is everywhere, even in my ass. But my farts are special. I cut the one true cheese, and you are a fool if you won’t at least take a look and see the good news for yourself.

NP: I find it a bit strange that your farts supposedly smell so good, while the rest of your carcass emits a pervasive and rank odour. Indeed, this leads me to conclude that you are not being entirely honest, or at least that your brain works only in a limited capacity.

FH: My farts smell like a sunrise.

NP: I know, you said that already. By the way, I wasn’t aware that there was any particular smell associated with a sunrise. What does a sunrise smell like?

FH: My farts.

NP: Of course.

FH: you have to check it out. If you don’t your immoral soul is in danger

NP: Don’t you mean immortal?

FH: I know what I mean. You are evil, that’s why you don’t want to inhale the lord’s goodness.

NP: That really isn’t the reason, and if you don’t stop waving that disgusting ass tube in my face you’ll regret it.

FH: See how the presence of God angers you. Evil doer. Evil doer.

NP: It’s the presence of stank that angers me, by which I mean you of course.

FH: Inhale and be saved. What have you got to lose?

NP: My lunch, not to mention self respect and dignity. The idea of sucking your ass gas out of a plastic tube solely because you insist that it smells like a sunrise and is the breathe of god is beyond absurd. You can’t honestly think that any rational human being would entertain the notion.

FH: That’s where you’re wrong sinner. There are hundreds of wise people who have smelled the lord. Not everyone wants to go to hell.

NP: You lie. No normal person would willingly accede to such a vile practice.

FH: I speak the truth. My farts smell like a sunrise, and taste of eternal life. Don’t you want eternal life?

NP: What, smelling your ass for all eternity? No thanks. I’ll be more than happy to pass on into oblivion if that’s the alternative.

FH: For you the alternative is hell, where your nether regions are the playthings of twisted demons.

NP: Meh, compared to bum sucking that doesn’t seem so bad.

FH: Go then sinner, but know this: the lord came to you through me. The lord offered you to drinketh from his cup through me. The lord offered you eternal life in heaven through me, but you denied him. You turned away his light, and refused the sunrise farts of the holy guff, and for that you will be cast out.

NP: Ok, I’ll write that down when I get back to my home, where I live.

FH: and one other thing evil doer.

NP: yes?

FH: Can you spare a dollar for a cup of tea guv?

NOT OF THIS WORLD

You may have seen some of this retarded gibberish around, on cars or worn by slack jawed christ punching sheeple. These jeetards seem to think that it is a good idea to bring the absurd nature of their holy crap to the attention of others. Why? Well, that’s a good question, inasmuch as any question related to christologists can be good (other than “where did they all go?).

You don’t see NAMBLA members putting stickers on their cuntwagons: “Not of this generation” or perhaps “He has risen, thanks to Viagra”. Admittedly they have to save their money to pay for their Bangkok child rape jaunts, but still one can’t help but think that perhaps, deep down, they are actually ashamed of their filthy predilections. Not so with the god botherers: they flaunt their ignorance with extreme pride because they are sofa king stupid. Too dumb to know how dumb they are, and victims of one of the biggest cons in human history. To say that those sporting the NOTW paraphernalia are huge assholes is an insult to Goatse. Indeed, non-christified people would rather have their vehicles decorated by Tub Girl (in her own inimitable way) than the buy-bull waving imbeciles at NOTW. Moreover, it has not escaped my attention that a disproportionate number of these cumchuggers drive absurdly large pick up trucks or SUV’s. It’s almost as though they were not satisfied with being ordinary arseclowns, and decided that they simply had to find a way to become mega-arseclowns. One can immediately see that the NOTW store targets losers by looking at the “models” they chose to tout their tacky crap.

These aspiring dorks are most likely typical of the sort of cunt they are after. As always, anything with the Jeebus touch has two main goals: to get money from and to indoctrinate as many tards as possible. Thus, in addition to charging rip off prices for cheap shite (fuck helping the poor, that’s not the Christian way) the good old boys at c28 (the NOTW parent company) are just waiting to force some Christology deep up as many assholes as they can, as is evidenced by this colossal tripe culled from their wanksite.

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"We all need Jesus because God loves us, has plans for us and wants a direct relationship with us. The Holy Bible tells us we need Jesus because without Him there is no access to God, no eternal life, no peace nor purpose. To have a relationship with God, we must first understand man is born with a big problem. The big problem is sin and sin separates us from a Holy God. But do not fear, God loves us, is merciful and has provided a way out for us. <>
Have you ever taken anything that does not belong to you? Have you ever exaggerated the truth? Have you ever hated anyone? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have already broken one of the Ten Commandments (and there is [sic] still seven more Commandments to go through). The Holy Bible teaches us that the due penalty of breaking any of the Ten Commandments is judgment (death in Hell).<>
In concluding [sic], Jesus died and rose on the third day conquering death so those who believe in Him may also live forever in eternity with Him and God. The forgiveness of our sins comes through the greatest gift to mankind, the undeserved grace through Jesus Christ! Why? Because He loves us and wants us to live a full and complete life on this earth and in heaven!!!”


I find it rather surprising that exaggerating the truth will get you a one way ticket to hell since the entire basis for the christian scam is exaggerating what is probably a lie. Still, if christology made sense to me it would be all I could do to mash the keyboard with my palms and drool on the mouse, and I would not therefore be able to write this. Certainly the whole “krazee krist died for our sins, even though he didn’t really die” continues to make NO FUCKING SENSE AT ALL. For those of us who have not been brainwashed it may be impossible to understand what they are trying to say. In a land where the churches are full and the libraries are empty there really is no reason to make their lies coherent or sensible. The details of the religion are quite irrelevant. It is adherence to orders that matter, not the order of the coherence. In this milieu there is obviously only one way to reel in more faithfools; you have to make jeetardation look cool, and that can only be achieved with the ultra stylish garments and other shit offered by the cumchugging spastic raping con merchants at NOTW. As you may have guessed, I am not a Christian, but Jesus H Christ those outfits are so fucking cool I just have to get some.

hey dude, you can play with your balls
if you wear these awesome pants

I have wankers cramp in both of my arms
but it was totally worth it

hey baby, do you wanna see my abstinence pledge?
it's tattooed on my firm young ass

Oh shit biyatch! Now my wankers cramp is even worse

Good day to you sir. I am a christian twat.

You have to give these guys credit: it's not easy making christ punching look even more retarded than it already does without going nuclear and pulling a Phelps, or going the full Robertson. Anything that helps to highlight the unbelievable fecal futility of religious thought is a good thing, unless it explodes or something.

Religiots and Science: the incompatible mix of intellectual depravity and excellence.

As most normal people know, Christ punchers are full of shit. It’s almost embarrassing to simply state this because it is so obvious, but what is not so obvious are the incredible lengths to which these blinkered fools will go in order to (inadvertently) demonstrate this point. One area in which godidiots routinely reveal their spectacularly shocking ignorance is when they speak of science. It may be an asinine attempt to refute evolution “how come there is still monkeys if we is all come from monkeys then? It don’t make no sense” or some confused invocation of the laws of thermodynamics to prove that….. Actually, I don’t know what they are trying to prove when they do that. Maybe they are just trying to make intelligent brains shut down so as to protect their fragile “arguments”.

In almost all cases the assclowns trying to use science to back up their religious views (or even just trying to demonstrate that there is no contradiction (by the way, pi is a little larger than 3.0 you cubit sucking dong slurpers)) have no actual knowledge of science. They may have some high school education (if they are among the religious intellectual elite), but they almost never have any first hand knowledge of scientific principles, or of the way that science is actually done these days. No wonder it is so fucking easy to persuade right wing Christologists that global climate change is a giant conspiracy made up by ganja smoking scientists who all agree to falsify their research for some reason.

Is it a matter of concern to religious people that the majority of scientists are atheists? Very often god fearing tards will go on and on about all the famous scientists from the past who were theists. Big fucking deal cumchuggers! Everyone was a fucking believer in those days. A few hundred years ago admitting you were an atheist was socially damaging, to say the least. If the scientists of the past had any doubts about the veracity of the catechism (or equivalent) they, quite wisely, kept it to themselves. Claiming that Galileo or Newton or Boyle were hard core jeebus junkies is fucking absurd. But the cunts go further; they also love to claim Einstein and Hawking, which is not absurd, it’s just laughable. Both of these scientists have made the nature of their religious views very plain, so that only those bent on obfuscation could ever fail to understand. In both cases what they have said amounts to a deep respect and a feeling of awe with respect to the totality of nature, which probably has something to do with the way these scientists are able to experience reality in a unique way related to their intense understanding of it. What you most certainly won’t find these guys doing is expressing any feelings of admiration or awe for lying cunts in dresses waving incense on a stick and threatening to send people to hell for trivial and normal activities (many of which they probably engage in on a regular basis: yeah, I’m looking at you Haggard. We all know you like luxury).

Pathetic attempts to claim some of the greatest minds in history as fellow theists notwithstanding, the godchuggers are unable to deal with a present day reality: most scientists do not believe in god. There are many studies that show this, but I’m not going to quote any here: I encourage you to go search for yourself. I did and found that practically all surveys showed this to be that case. There are some studies that did not agree, and they all looked a bit fishy. Coincidentally these were all carried out by religious organisations (or right wing conservative “think” tanks, which usually amounts to the same thing). Thus, don’t take my word for it: go look. I can also tell you from 14 years working in various physics departments in the US and the UK, and having many friends who are professional scientists, I would put the fraction of scientists in my age group who are religious as less than 10%. I chose this number only because I know more gay physicists than christian physicists, so it’s an upper limit. You may think I’m a cunt for not providing links to these studies of the religiosity of scientists, but it’s for your own good. This point is often violently argued by the Sky-Daddy brigade, and any study one quotes will be attacked for (usually) vacuous reasons. I realise that my own personal experience proves nothing. There are many reasons why Christian physicists might stay away from me, and even more reasons why gay physicists might not (I can’t help it if I look good). Nevertheless, what I can say is that in scientific circles religion is not usually mentioned at all. I implore you to look for yourself, and if enough people report what they find in the comments section then the truth will out.

If I were a member of a group (of shitsuckers) whose core beliefs, based on the teachings of some random goat herding chavs from 2000 + years ago, were rejected by the most intelligent humans alive today, it might give me reason to reconsider my membership. At least it might if I hadn’t been the victim of mental child abuse. I have heard on more than one occasion that scientists are just ashamed to admit that they are religious in front of other scientists. Well, too fucking right! Of course they are, the same way that uncle McFilthy is ashamed to admit to his family that he can’t come to the reunion because it is within 500 yards of a school. Face it christers, your vast numbers consist largely of uneducated hicks, deluded fools and duplicitous con merchants (like the pope). The number of rational, intelligent and well educated theists is a mystery: if they exist they probably keep quiet, for obvious reasons (does god really hate fags?). I would love to see a graph of the fraction of people who believe in god versus time. You could try to make one, but what you would actually get is merely the fraction of people who aren’t willing to admit that they don’t believe. Maybe some hard core Christ puncher made such a graph and then extrapolated to find out when the religiots would be the minority, and set that as the date for the rapture. Is the rapture just a metaphor for the end of this foolishness? I fucking hope so. Then who’s going to be left behind mother fuckers?

Perhaps the most laughable aspect of the attempted use of science for religious verification is the utter lack of understanding that these cockmunchers have of how science is actually done. This is especially obvious when they claim that scientists conspire to promote some theory for their own ends. It makes no sense at all. In order for such a conspiracy to exist you would need hundreds of thousands of disparate people to tacitly agree to an obvious lie, which in some cases would mean people sacrificing their careers in order not to show research. Only someone brought up in a global institution of deceit, coercion and manipulation could ever conceive of such a scenario. That is to say, only a theist could do it. For fucks sake, can so many people be that deluded?

Let me tell you of a personal experience which shows how the scientific method actually operates. I did an experiment that used a new technique to study an old problem (I won’t go into the details, but I will be happy to inform interested parties further). I wrote up the experiment in the usual way and submitted it to the journal Physical Review Letters. This is considered by many to be the premier physics journal, and I have published there before. It is supposed to be for the “best” work, and I thought this particular work had a chance, but often work submitted to PRL is not accepted because it isn’t thought to be novel enough, and then they usually forward it on to another Physical Review journal. This is what happened in this case, and it was sent to Physical Review B, which is the condensed matter section of the journal. I sort of expected this, but thought it was worth a try to get it in PRL. In any case, the initial peer review at PRL was done by two anonymous referees, and then after it was sent down to PRB I picked up two more referees, and I was required to address all of their concerns before the article could be accepted (this is the downside to taking a chance at a PRL submission). It took over 6 months with many many revisions before I could satisfy all of these referees. In some cases the referees comments were contradictory, and I had to deal with that by writing what is practically a separate article, trying to explain the points in dispute to all of the referees (but without making them look foolish, even though one of them had made a very silly mistake). The point is, the article was published (in PRB) but I had to defend every bit of it to a tedious degree. It took longer to convince the referees than it did to do the fucking experiment, but the arguments were all about the science. I had to justify my data and my conclusions, and it was only after I had done so to their satisfaction that the paper was accepted for publication.

Now, I think that peer review is a bit of a fucked up system: had I had different referees in my first round the original article might well have ended up in PRL. However, I can admit that it would not have been as good. After all that irritating wrangling and even being demoted to PRB (which is also rather subjective), what I ended up with is a much better paper, so I am not dissatisfied. To paraphrase Winston, peer review is the worst system of evaluation we have, apart from all the others. Anyone who thinks that this sort of process can occur and still result in some sort of conspiracy is fucking dreaming. Still, that’s a good way to describe those who believe in god: they are fucking dreaming. Well, here’s a wake up call for you, you dreaming jelly-sheeple:

1) I put more effort into proving the truth of my one paper than you have for your entire religion.

2) Hundreds of thousands of such papers are published every week.

3) Most of the people who spend their lives doing this sort or work (which involves making sure things are correct) reject your views entirely.

Science is not like religion assholes. It can’t be manipulated to tell you shit that makes you feel better, and it can’t be forced into the worldview of some long dead liars who just happened to be so good at bullshitting that god loving teabagees are still hoping for another dunk on the forehead even now, when the jig is most surely up. What will it take to make that obvious? St. Teabag [TBUH] won’t return to dab upon your brow, and the mother fucker what done created this whole shebang sure as shit don’t give a fuck, so what are you going to do assgoblins?

<>

If you believe in both god and gravity ask yourself this: which one can I rely on?

Jesus Loves you

The dirty bastard.

Atheist motto?

over at the raving atheist they are talking about having an atheist motto. I say fuck that. There's no motto for people who don't believe in pixies, or for people who don't believe that idiot rednecks pissed up on the moonshine are getting anal probes from ET. I know that these particular groups are not dominating our society but the fact is atheists are all different. The only thing they share is the ability to recognize religious themed bullshit when they see it. So I say there can be no atheist motto. But there can be an atheist sentiment, and it is this: fuck all religions. You're all a bunch of dupes, howling at the moon while a middle aged pervert in a dress spoon feeds you the essence of dumb, and you can't get enough of it. Stupid fucks.

Easter: the wankiest god holiday of them all

Easter

Thank fuck Easter is over. Of all the religious holidays that bukkakke us with a giant scrotum of moron juice every year, this one has to be the most annoying. Everyone knows that Christmas has got fuck all to do with Jeebus and is really a capitalist celebration of greed and sickening songs. I don’t know what all those fucking Jewish holidays are about, but they keep pretty quiet about that shit anyway so it doesn’t really bother me. In any case, as retarded as anything to do with religion is, at least their holidays make sense in the context of a racist and psychopathic celebration of brutality and murder in the service of a cosmic fucktard. But what the fuck have rabbits and eggs got to do with a fictional jewish zombie dadwanker?

If you are going to invent the lamest story ever told, and get hundreds of different writers on board why not try and polish it up a little so that later spastics who think its all true don’t feel the need to embellish the tales with brightly coloured eggs and a shit load of chocolate. After all, by writing such a crap story to begin with you are pretty much admitting that it’s all bullshit. A powerful being who is the very definition of love is going to make me suffer for all eternity just because I spooged up on the floor? Seriously. There’s really no point making a list of all the idiotic shite in the bible. Just read the mother fucking bible, it is a list of all the idiotic shite in the bible. The best way to simulate living a truly biblical life would be to insert your head into a bull’s asshole. Nevertheless this easter thing is puerile codswallop even by the standards of the buy bull.

The best part of the bible is the crucifiction. After reading that you think “thank fuck that cunt Jesus is dead. Maybe now these wankers will stop being such arseholes”. Of course, they don’t, because the people who invented them were arseholes themselves, so what they thought were really well rounded characters are simply a reflection of their own arseholesihness. Even so, Jesus is a cunt, so I can see why nailing the little bitch up to a cross is a reason to celebrate. But then he comes back from the dead. I don’t know about you, but if I see some Jewish geezer nailed to a cross with a spear in his side and a huge wooden dildo sticking out of his arse one day, and then three days later the same bloke is walking around I’ll cut the fuckers head off. You can’t be too careful with these zombies. And it seems that Jesus is a mega zombie, because even though he is made up he is still eating peoples brains two mother fucking thousand years later.

My theory is that if the mega zombie ever returns he will be impervious to ordinary weapons. The only things that can stop him are eggs and rabbits. This is why those in the know stock up on them around easter, when he is likely to return (or so they think). When you see these fucking twats walking around with the rabbit ears on (and I don’t mean those sexy bunny babes) you probably think “what an unbelievable cunt” but they will be the ones laughing when zombie jesus is eating your brain, but staying away from them in case they really are rabbits. However, the ironic thing is that zombie jesus likes to eat brains, and these shitheads don’t have any. If he does come back and eat your brain then you will probably just end up becoming a Christian, which is a bit like getting a lobotomy. Before hand you would do anything to avoid it, but afterwards you’re too fucking stupid to know what is going on, so you can live out your pathetic life as a fuzzy headed cretin and enjoy the finer things life has to offer like bits of string, shiny things and, of course, your all loving mega cunt of a fucking god.

(Thanks to Ghoulslime for the artwork. )

I've been busy

I haven't updated the chooblog for a while, and I am sorry for that. I've had some shit to deal with. I can't even do a proper update now, but I wanted to assure those who care (and there are a few) that I intend to get back to attacking douchewizards very soon.

JESUS

This guy says Jesus will return in 2007.

I have no reason to doubt him; he is, after all, one of the most respected Theologians living on the streets today. The question is, what will happen if big J does come back? He won't be all that popular with the Christians of today (you know, because he lacks a certain whiteness). Chances are he will be quietly taken away to Gitmo, or possible the underground vatican sex dungeons, so he doesn't get in the way of God's work.

Still, I say welcome back Jeebus. You should get together with this dude. He's been waiting for you, along with many many other retarded cunts.