Who is the biggest cunt?

While taking a shit today I found myself wondering, "who is the biggest cunt out of Mother Theresa and Ann Coulter. They are both well known as self righteous whores. Ann (or Andy as heshe likes to be called in private) is obviously an idiot, but that does not mitigate his/her cunt quotient. Similarly, Mother Fucker Theresa is a hypocritical colon fister and pony felcher. She even faked her own death so she could enjoy becoming a saint (as this recent undoctored photo of her on holiday clearly proves).

It is well known that this smug cunt was a total bitch, and she was caught more than a dozen times performing fellatio on so-called untouchables in exchange for soup. There is also hard evidence that while she collected a great deal of money for "charity" almost none of it was used to help people in dire poverety. She is known to have had a toilet made of solid gold, and to have used live Minks instead of toilet paper. Rumours have it that she ate homeless people and sacrificed virgins in order to retain her lithe figure. By practically any standards this certainly qualifies her as a right fucking cunt.

Andy is indeed a formidable opponent when it comes to a contest of cuntosity. As a borderline retard he/she has made a living writing books about things that normal people would be ashamed to even think about.. In some cases he/she will simply copy from others. It is evidence of retardation that he/she expected to get away with this.

So, Who is the biggest cunt? I cannot say. Let history decide. Or better yet, let the decider decide for he is very well qualified when it comes to judging cunts.

Amazing sign from god AND allah!

Whilst taking a shit this morning I was given a sign from God. Had this been the end of it I would be on my way to church right now to praise the lord and find out when I can start assfucking young choir boys. However, it seems that Allah (poo be upon him) is aware of my awesomness and didn't want to lose me to the Christ punchers, so he also sent me a sign. Now I don't know whom to praise.
One thing is for sure though. These signs are genuine miracles, and I most certainly did not draw them on toilet paper and then put them on top of a shit I had just done. That did not happen. The shit came off my arse and onto the shit rag in these amazing pictoral messages from god, and that's that. (Anyone who does not believe this will burn in hell.) It is a bit odd that Jesus decided to send me a sign insulting muhammed, and vice versa, but I suppose those guys are practically obliged to work in mysterious ways.

Well, I have to tell God and Allah to go and fuck themselves (which presumably they are able to do). If there was only one game in town I'd have to suck it up and join in, but with all these dieties hanging around I see no reason to pick one. They are all cockmunchers anyway, so instead of being into jizzlam or zombie worship it seems much better to sit back and watch them fight each other. Indeed, I should like to see religiots competing in some sort of fight to the death so they can finally establish which diety is the bestest of all. Maybe then I'll get on board with the winner, but why risk angering Jeebus by getting a reacharound from mohammed (or moohamhead or whatever his fucking name is)? So all you almighty bastards can stick your signs and portents right up your godholes. If you want me to join your retarded religon send me cash mother fuckers. And instead of sending messages via shit, or piss stained walls or grilled cheese sandwiches, why not use a nice big pair of jugs?

Cocksucker Christianity

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What is Jeebus thinking?

Caption contest. The winning caption will recieve fuck all, so it's not much of a contest I admit, but it's still better than blowing yourself up for 72 raisins.

Miracles of the Buy Bull

For Christian parents it is a moment to be treasured, a milestone in the miraculous journey to create another child of Christ. Teaching the wonders of the bible, the word of God no less, to an innocent is one of the truly rewarding aspects of religiosity. That and not burning in hell for all eternity. Imagine that look on his or her little face when you read to him (or her) amazing bible stories for the very first time; a memory to treasure for sure. Now imagine the look on that old wrinkled Christian face when the child looks up and says “Mom, dad, are you taking the fucking piss or what?” That’s priceless.

If you are not a full on Christ Puncher you will probably know that the Bible is a relatively popular work of fiction that relies heavily on the principle of “suspension of disbelief”. This is a vehicle often used in fictional works, be they plays, novels, movies or what have you, in which the audience is required to accept a number of obviously unrealistic premises in order to allow the rest of the narrative to flow. An example of this is the terminator. One has to tacitly accept the fact that a cyborg has traveled back in time to kill a woman before one can enjoy the ensuing violence. Another example is, perhaps, a porno in which several super hot babes appear eager to get pounded by Ron Jeremy. You have to accept this before you can start jerking off. This latter, I have to say, is not always possible due to Ron’s overly hirsute back and grotesquely voluminous blubber.

Thus it is that when reading the bible it is assumed that you will accept blatant absurdity with aplomb, and then just go along for the ride. Provided you understand that it is fictional (or at the very least has severely over-extended its poetic license) this is perfectly acceptable. Problems arise if you believe that the bible is somehow true or, even worse, the one and only troof. By far the worst case is when young children are force fed this fiction as though it were absolutely real. It is for this reason, and also because of my enormous compassion for humanity, that I have chosen to reveal the obvious explanations for a number of biblical “miracles”. To many what I shall say will seem obvious, but for the benefit of those who might be under indoctrination I shall reiterate these simple points. In many cases historical ambiguity may be most easily clarified by an application of Occam’s razor. In the case of the buy-bull the razor is not up to the job and it is necessary to break out Occam’s motherfucking chainsaw. Naturally, I cannot even consider most of the biblical foolishness, by virtue of its sheer volume. I can address some of the more well known balderdash, and I do so thusly.

THE VIRGIN BIRTH:
Is it even necessary to suggest that perhaps a skank ho (a.k.a. the virgin mary) might have lied about taking some illicit schlong? The alternative idea (that is, virgin birth, or God rape) is idiotic in the extreme. If almighty God wanted a bastard son why didn’t the ultimate assmonkey just send Jeebus down fully formed, and a bit less wanky? His business, I suppose, but still, it does seem to advance my position that God is either nonexistent, or is a fucking retard.

FEEDING THE 5000 PIKEYS:
Maybe Jeebus whipped up some magic food, or maybe he just sent round a piece of manky bread, perhaps dripping with his spooge (the loaf and the fish). Nobody wants to eat that shit, so they kept passing in on, and hence the falsehood grew that it fed thousands, and there was even some left over.

TURNING WATER INTO WINE:
Big fucking deal. I can turn wine into piss, and I can do it at an astounding rate. I’m not saying that this makes me an anti Jeebus. I would never say that, because it makes no sense. Here’s a thought, maybe it was wine all the time. Or maybe there wasn’t any wine at all.

WALKING ON WATER:
Perhaps it was a bit icy that day? Ok, not too likely in the middle east, but then, neither is defying the laws of physics. How deep was this water? Did Jeebus have some big arse platforms?

HEALING THE BLIND:
I’m blind. Wait, now I can see! It’s amazing: amazing like taking a shit, which is to say not very. Growing a new arm, now that is a serious bit of healing, but some blind cock sucker claiming he can see is more than a bit dubious. If Jeebus was able to grow stuff perhaps he should have considered growing some balls.

EXPELLING DEMONS:
Mental illness anyone? Naturally they didn’t know much about how the brain works in those days (and we still don’t really) but you don’t need a CT scan to recognize a fucking nutjob when he whips out his dick and jazzes up on your sandals. A smack in the chops might well bring such a loon to his senses, temporarily.


THE RESSURECTION:
Again, why? Maybe Jeebus died on the cross and then rose from the dead, or just maybe he didn’t die at all. Why is it that when he was given a drink it apparently caused him to die? That’s some powerful fucking vinegar. Or maybe it was a sedative. Both Luke and Mark say that Jeebus was taken to a nearby tomb: a great place to revive a drugged bullshitter. Of course, the whole thing could simply be more made up crap, but even on the face of the text itself it don’t make no sense. My magic balls say “all signs point to bullshit.”

The Spokesperson for Intelligent Design (ID) has a message

Mommy, how are Christians made?

What does it take to turn an ordinary human being into a Christian? If you ask the Christ-punchers themselves they will of course tell you that the Lord came upon them bukkake style and filled their hearts with the Christlove. However, this is clearly inaccurate.

The vast majority of Christ-punching religiots were brainwashed by their parents and various priestly accomplices when they were children. This is a particularly heinous form of child abuse, especially when performed in conjunction with anal rape, as is so often the case in the catholic church of bum banditry. It’s difficult for some to break free of this early conditioning, and whatever one might think of the shit sucking dad wankers who worship Jesus, it has to be said that they have got their brainwashing skills perfected. They have had centuries to practice, of course, and some of their preferred methods (such as burning people, or simply torturing them) are no longer as efficacious.

In less fortunate parts of the world good old fashioned blackmail is still very popular in indoctrination by missionaries. These disgusting scum sucking cunts actually use food, medicine and other such fun items to force people to join their blatantly religious organizations. This is like sitting on a man’s face, forcing it underwater, and then allowing him to breathe farts straight from your arsehole. As repulsive as it may be, the alternative (death) is still worse. Typically the places where this sort of evil goes on are those countries that, by virtue of their anal rape, put the colon in colonial. After looting the natural resources, displacing the population and corrupting any fledgling governmental organizations the imperial powers simply fucked off (leaving a few guys to continue taking as much as possible out of the cookie jar). This lead to impoverished nations, a lack of education and, all too often, war. These are the conditions beloved by missionaries since prosperous, educated and healthy people have no need for their bullshit. Missionaries are like rapists who tell you they love you. But they get the job done. That’s why all the main Christ-punching churches love them. I hope that many of their converts are merely pragmatists who understand the greatest rip off ever told, but vulnerable people can be sucked in. That’s the whole point.

Fortunately many people who were brainwashed from childhood are able to break out of the cycle of retardation and become atheists. Since all religious faiths are untenable it might be expected that this is inevitable, but the power of childhood brainwashing is usually reinforced with threats of eternal damnation and of societal ills. Just try running for public office as a declared atheist. You’d have more luck saying you wanted to kill all fags because Jesus hates them. Yes, incredible as it may seem, people really are this fucking stupid, and it’s not always due to mental conditioning. There are some fucktards who are so cuntish that the only reasonable conclusion is that they are cunts. That they know their religiosity is a sham and don’t mind using it for their own benefit. Television evangelists? Clearly utter cunts. They live in huge mansions, drive top of the range cars and use live minks to wipe their corpulent arses. And morons continue to send them money! Ordinary stupidity cannot account for this. Benny Hinn! Thus guy sounds like a mentally challenged character from a soap opera, and he looks like he just emerged from a San Francisco Bath house. His “faith healing” has been exposed on numerous occasions as nothing more than bullshit (and on one occasion he is said to have killed a man by pushing him over on a stage while “healing” him). If this was a screenplay it would get laughed out of town, but it’s real! HOW STUPID CAN A HUMAN BEING BE AND STILL LIVE? Not this stupid. It’s got to be brainwashing or some other illicit manipulation.

If there is some truth to this Christ-punching, why don’t atheists ever spontaneously convert? I am much more likely to spontaneously combust than do that, and it is extremely rare for someone who has not been brainwashed to suddenly find the lord. This might appear to happen in prison, especially on death row, but can this really be said to be spontaneous? The parole boards do not seem to think so. Every now and then some pretentious polesmoker will get all “spiritual” and start talking shit about the cosmic forces of mother earth, and how maybe Jesus was here speaking for the planet. To these people I say “eat my sewage you fucking dildo”. This parsimonious intellectual feat is as impressive as lying on the floor and soiling yourself. Spirituality is simply amateur religion. Or, to put it another way, home made excrement.

So why are we surrounded by religiots? Because there are a lot of lying cunts around, and a lot of weak minded fools. These ARE the droids you’re looking for assholes. The human brain is very good at protecting itself. Not from a fist or a cock that went too far, but from comprehending an unpleasant reality. The ability of the mind to lie to itself is superior even to the ability of politicians to lie to everyone else. After years of being lied to by your family and priests and other supposedly trustworthy people, it’s simply easier to pretend that they were telling the truth rather than accept the reality. So where do Christians come from? They come from lies. Bullshit and lies. Fuck them all.

From the Pen of George W Bush

As many of you may remember Mahmood Ahmadi-Najad, the president of Iran, sent Dubya a demented letter some time ago. Political pundits claimed that there would be no response because the letter was completely outside of the usual diplomatic protocals, but it turns out that the president has only just finished reading it. A male prostitute (who cannot be named) with very high level access in the whitehouse has leaked the presidents reply exclusively to CHOOBLOG. It is expected that his hand written letter will undergo some polishing by staff members before it is released, but the original is perhaps more interesting in that it allows a glimpse into the mind of the president, without the usual whitehouse spin.

Praise be to Allah

Muslims can praise allah every time they drop a load with my new Jizzlam Shit Rag (copyright pending).

I thought about including verses from the koran, but then I remembered how much muslims love cartoons, so I opted instead for a cheeky raghead character. Just imagine all the hilarious arse adventures he with have! This amazing new product will make worship as enjoyable as dropping the kids off at the pool. Don't take my word for it though, just look at these 100% genuine testimonials, that I did not make up.









Wow! Shitting and praising Allah has never been so convenient
greatmuslim 10

I just had a new rotatable toilet installed in my jet so I could shit facing mecca, and this is the only tp I will ever use.
Al mahmoud Jalfrezi

Holy Shit! My asshole has never been closer to god.
Ali Baba

If dumping my ass candy directly onto Allah's greatness is wrong, I don't wanna be right
Mohammed bin Raider

The illustrated bible # 2

The illustrated bible: # 1

Bumper Stickers: a warning

If you want people you don’t know to understand what a total Muppet you are without the bother of talking to them what better way is there than putting a few bumper stickers on your car. The best part is, it doesn’t make any difference what the sticker says, because they all say the same thing: I am a cunt. Sometimes they say other things as well. Bush-Cheney: I am a super cunt. Jesus is love: please ram me off the road, because I am a cunt. There is only one thing worse, and that is, of course, the Jesus fish. In the event of an accident the driver of a car with a Jesus fish should automatically be held responsible, even of the other driver was drunk and getting a blow job from a hooker while speeding the wrong way down a one way street in a stolen car, ordering a pizza on his cell phone. After all, is not this driver merely the instrument of God’s will?

And the Darwin fish isn’t much better. The intent might be infinitely more sensible, but really, what’s the point? No matter what faction you align yourself with by virtue of your vehicular adornments there will always be plenty of other drivers around who don’t agree with you, so why advertise your difference? The security of the steel cocoon (probably aluminium actually) clearly emboldens many weasel faced motorists, otherwise there would be a lot more radical activists around. As it is, gutless shitsuckers cover their absurdly large cars with all sorts of crap (free Tibet, pro-life, pro-choice, pro-hockey, support nambla and so on) but as soon as they become pedestrians they keep very quiet.

As you may know, I presently live in southern California, and so I have observed some other cartards that may not be familiar to those outside the United States. I refer to really big or really small wheels. Some people find it necessary to install an entirely new suspension system on their giant trucks so that they can have a 15 foot tall pick up truck with 40 inch wheels. Why? Zeuss only knows. If the intent is to look like a total fucking assclown, then mission accomplished. Some people like to go the other way and put on very tiny wheels so that their piece of shit cars (which they usually are) are practically scrapping the ground. I imagine they must drive around with sticks so they can push themselves off if they get stuck on a speed bump. And the flames. My god, the flames! Adding stickers of faux flames is strangely popular despite the obvious absurdity. When coupled with an oversized rear spoiler phony wildfire makes it possible to make a Honda civic look like an even bigger joke than it does when it rollsof the production line.

All of these things are beyond my ken, and my Barbie. Why go out of your way to look like an arsehole? That’s like going to an upscale wedding in acid wash jeans: there’s just no reason for it. Here are a few I’ve seen recently.

My child was on the honour roll at shithead elementary So fucking what? What am I supposed to do, follow you home so I can meet this amazing kid? Throw some money at you so you can start a college fund and send the mother fucker to Harvard? And what does it take to get on the honour roll at shithead elementary? Show up without a gun? Fucking ridiculous.

Baby on board No mate, arsehole on board.

It’s a JEEP thing, you wouldn’t understand. No, I wouldn’t understand because I’m not a fucking dildo. It’s a dildo thing, I don’t want to understand.

Just give me my coffee and nobody gets hurt. Don’t count on it shithead. If you think this is in any way amusing there are probably a lot of people who frequently think about beating your face in, in a violent and prolonged manner.

If you can read this, your [sic] way too close! That’s one possibility. Another is that I have normal eyesight and I know how to read, and contract you are.

I support our troops Really? Using a gallon of fuel to get a pint of milk? Seems like you really support Halliburton, you phony fuck.

There is only one bumper sticker that is not evidence of wankosity: The sort you get when you or a relative works for the police. It gives ruffians pause for thought, and no doubt prevents tickets for all but the most egregious offences. That makes sense. Announcing to everyone you can that you’re a cunt; that really doesn’t make a lot of sense. Still, whoever said that cunts are sensible?

Religiots

To debate or not to debate?

Imagine you’re walking down the street and a filthy hobo approaches you, a manky looking cap in his outstretched hand evidencing his intention. Being a decent sort you give the repulsive tramp some green, and he then starts confiding in you. He tells you a story involving alien abduction, anal probing and time travel. Would you stop and argue with this rancid denizen of the streets, or dismiss his tall tale out of hand? Would it be a judicious use of your time and effort to research his story in order to refute it? Unless you are some sort of retard, the answer to this is obviously no. Why then do we treat the hobo’s of intellectualism (that is, theists) with such respect? What is the point debating religiots when the entire basis of their position can be summed up as “I have faith”? The stinking bin raider also has faith, faith that his diseased arsehole was inspected by E.T in a spaceship, but his demented rambling is given short shrift by all but the mentally ill.

Some people with a lot of patience don’t mind amusing themselves by arguing with theists. Indeed, some Christ-punchers can be quite ingenious in their convoluted attempts to justify the unjustifiable. I can’t be arsed with such bollocks though. As far as I’m concerned there is no difference between arguing about God with religiots and explaining to a 19 year old why the tooth he put under his pillow was still there in the morning instead of cash. Fuck that shit. And it doesn’t much matter if it’s Jeebus lovers, followers of Jizzlam, branch Davidians or any flavour of god bothering spooge slurper. They are all full of the same shit and getting caught up in the details of their retarded religions is a complete waste of time. Not only that, it takes away precious time that could be better used watching porn. Discussing the details of Jesus’ life is as useful as trying to figure out whether or not Shaft really was so complicated that nobody understood him but his woman.

It’s not that theists are all idiots; it’s just that they won’t shut the fuck up about god. And I can’t even begin to count the number of Sundays I have wasted because of fucking Jesus. Not from going to church or anything: I’m not retarded. I’m talking about having to spend the day sleeping or something because the pub is closed. And why the fuck do they think it’s a good idea to go round to people’s houses and start talking shit about god? Imagine if homosexuals went door to door to spread the good news about spreading the arse cheeks, or if middle aged nerds dressed up in costumes came round and started talking klingon. It’s not even as if Jeebus is all that. McGyver could have done the same shit armed only with a piece of string and a packet of chewing gum.

Yet somehow these stupid mother fuckers are convinced that they are onto something. Why? Fuck knows. Maybe Cal is right and they have the Christ psychosis. Maybe they are just wankers. All I know is that I would rather coat my enormous schlong in honey and face fuck a grizzly bear than “debate” with religiots.

Arseholes Anonymous

Alcoholics anonymous: cult or crock?

The simple answer is that it’s both a crock of shit and a cult. The friends of Bill are usually hopeless losers: exactly the type of people who need the booze. Imagine how awful it would be to wake up every day and have to remember what a worthless fuck you are. This is why booze is so great, and that’s why these pikey fuckers should be gulping it down, just like the good old days. But they do not. “AA saves lives” some whining Christ puncher will probably say. Does it fuck. It’s just a cult, and it uses standard cult tactics to make sure that some ex-drunks can experience some power by lording it over some other alcoholics. The guy who cleans portable toilets may seem like a disgusting shit scrubber to you, but if he’s been on the wankers wagon for 10 years he is like a god to the other acolytes at the AA meeting. They hold alcohol over you like the pint of Damocles, threatening you with absurd stories about things they used to do before they bent over and allowed a “higher power” to fuck them in the arse and drop a mammoth load of self righteousness. And, like all good cults, they have a special book of bollocks: the big book of bullshit. And let’s not forget the 12 steps: a fine tool of indoctrination, with a proven success when it comes to indoctrinating tools.

Perhaps the biggest lie told by arseholes anonymous is that it is not a religious group. Where do they hold most of their fucking meetings? IN FUCKING CHURCHES THAT’S WHERE. What is this higher power if it isn’t god? Is it the stockmarket? Even if your brain is soaked in gin this ploy is pretty easy to see through. Pretending that there is no religion in AA is like saying you only read penthouse for the articles, and saying it while simultaneously masturbating furiously. If you happen to be one of these people who will actually die if you don’t stop drinking then you should do some time in prison. If you actually want to continue living (and lets face it, for these losers that’s not always the best option) why the fuck would you let a group of self confessed losers be responsible for your life? It’s fucking retarded. That’s like asking Michael Jackson to baby-sit.

“But it works” the same whining prick will probably say. Does it? Maybe if you are willing to become a jeebus zombie and start acting like a cunt, you can give up the booze for a few years. It’s not fucking worth it. I’d rather drink myself into the grave than hang out with such pathetic pikey bastards. A sober drunk is the worst of both worlds. They are as boring as the bible and just as self righteous, and (for some reason) generally ugly mother fuckers as well. No thanks man. If you really can’t drink anymore, there’s always weed, or crack. Anything is better than turning into a friend of Bill. You try and find a more pathetic specimen than a chain smoking haggard ex alcoholic who likes nothing more than getting a late night phone call from someone he is “sponsoring” so he can feel like the big man and offer useless platitudes. Compared to them, broke down crack whores are like elegant debutantes.

If you read this and you believe you have a problem with alcohol, here is my advice to you: Stop being such a pussy. That’s the real problem, too many pussies.

If you are reading this then you are not me, which means you are quite probably a cunt of some sort, or possibly a shitsucking dad wanker. There is a small chance that this is not so, but I see no reason to deal with matters of vanishingly small probability. In any case, the important point to understand is that I am much better than you, and any opinions you may hold that conflict with mine are undoubtedly as wrong as wrong can be.

Anyway, the internets have served us well as the ultimate repository of porn, but finally they have another use. Not only am I unbelievably awesome, but I am also seriously fucking generous, and as such I have decided to share my great wisdom with you, even though you in no way deserve it. While extensive though, my generosity is not unlimited, so don’t be pestering me with your pathetic problems or suggesting any stupid subjects for me to comment on. I don’t want to hear any of it. Anything you can think of is almost guaranteed to be shit, and if it isn’t I have already thought of it. Having said that, I am always keen to hear from ladies, especially if they like to drink from the furry cup; and if you want to send me filthy disgusting pictures of a sexual nature then you go right ahead and get it out of your system. No mingers though. Seriously.

This Chooblog has been created to fill a void. Not a fishy void, but rather one of sarcastic amusement as used to be provided by the Raving Atheist, before he turned into a mealy mouthed christ punching fop. Perhaps there is some logical reason for the RA’s descent into abject wankosity, but if there is I don’t know what the buggery bollocks it is, and I don’t fucking care either. If by his actions shall ye know him then I know he’s been jesusified, and that isn’t right. I pity the fool who accepts a fictional dead Jewish cocksmoker as their personal lord and saviour. If you don’t know who the Raving Atheist is then fucking google the bastard, assclown.

So, this is merely an announcement. The Chooblog is here, and unless I lose interest in it (which is quite possible) it will remain. Yes, it may be horrid in parts, but that’s life. I sincerely hope that everyone who reads this hates it.